Assault On Battery

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Nine: You Can't Bulk-Sell Bullshit
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Remember last episode, when Leslie...oh, back up. Remember Leslie? No? Okay, she was blonde and looked like Mariah Carey and she didn't last very long once she started talking, which was about five minutes before she got fired. She let Lee run all over the place trying to be Gordon Gekko and showing his ass, and then took him, solely, into the Boardroom after she failed to sell as many "pizza sandwiches" as Andrea, who had some lovely hats. Carolyn was not happy about the whole "Lee only" thing, because she knew what it would get Leslie -- a fat load of "Who?" Everybody left so Lee and Leslie could get down to the business of acting like giant stupid assholes, especially Lee, except for Charmaine, who took a moment to let Trump know that she is a big tattletale crybaby. Duly noted.

Once upstairs, the weird caged-rat scenario heats up for the eighth and craziest time yet. Roxanne and Tammy are like, "What is going on?" Charmaine floats the suggestion that Leslie will prevail, qualifying this opinion with the possible caveats that she could be (a) just dumb, or (b) wishfully thinking. She's not a dumb lady, but in this case, it's more of a Chinese-takeout column-combo deal. Downstairs in the Boardroom, Trump tries to explain to Leslie that, while Lee is a disgusting, immature, puling chump, he was right about the fact that $8 is too much for a pizza sandwich you're just going to puke later anyhow; Leslie in turn tries to explain to Trump that, while she was ineffective, math-challenged, and did nothing to manage the disgusting Lee, he's still so awful that he should be fed to dogs. And that his conversational etiquette is lacking and leaves much to be desired. (Much what? Much fucking silence.) And while all of this is true, Trump's point is truer. Upstairs, we get a looooong fucking look at Leslie's depressing, lovely birthday cake, waiting quietly for its mistress to dispatch the little pisher and hotfoot it back up there for some Chardonnay and cumpleaños. Tammy overstates the drama somewhat here, noting that if she were fired from a retarded game show on her birthday, she "would never want another birthday" again, forevermore. "Where's Charmaine?" someone asks, as they continue to worry about Leslie's chances, and continue to attempt to remember what she looks like. And where's Charmaine? Typing very angrily in the corner. Very. Angrily. Lee comes back in, Leslie-free, and Charmaine exclaims loudly, "Oh, shit!" Nice. She comes in looking like death and shooting glares everywhere and just completely lacking in perspective, and they all sit down to a group dinner in which Lee: tells everybody he likes Leslie a lot, claims she "fought the hardest" of "all the people [he's] fired," steps right over the inordinately stupid and creepy delusional sentiment inherent in that statement, ignores Charmaine's pointed correction ("All the people you've been with in the Boardroom, you mean?") and repeats that Leslie "probably fought the hardest." That's just...gross.

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