Airstream Of Consciousness

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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Previously on All This Soap And I Still Feel Dirty: Cucumbers were the sexiest thing since green tea, and all that erotic power was channeled into two commercials for Dove Moisturizing Soft-Skin Emollient Sudstastic Goo. In the Net Worth commercial, body wash was used as a sort of finishing wax for sweaty, dirty bodies. In the Magna commercial, cucumbers were used to represent sexual frustration in the culinary professions. It's hard to believe that both of these were not smashing successes, but in fact, they both made Nipples Deutsch want to point those glass-cutters at a new group of people entirely, forgetting all about the suck-ups who tried to ruin his advertising utopia with dirty, undignified sex. And running. In the end, both teams wound up in the Boardroom, because they were just that bad, but only one person was fired. Fortunately, it was Kristen, who had worn out her welcome to the point that the mat had little holes in it where her feet would go. She and Brian undoubtedly shared a warm reunion in the Loser's Lounge, where they are probably still yelling at each other, actually. Now, the collegiate way of life is on the ropes. The tough-as-nails, street-smart Net Worthians are threatening to take the crown away from the high-powered, egghead intellectuals like...Stephanie. Who will be fired and sent off to the highly desirable roommate situation now encompassing Todd, Brian, Danny, Kristen, and possibly Verna? It's fortunate that nothing soothes a wounded ego like being sent off to the Nondescript Townhouse of the Damned.

"BWAAAH!" says the Funky-Butt Horn Section, and we are back in New York yet again. Up in the L-Pal at the Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch, Chris has decided to compound his obvious mental instability with excessive drinking, as his doctor most likely did not prescribe. I don't want to say anything, but there are a lot of medications with which alcohol does not mix. A few of the folks discuss their surprise at how "combative" Audrey was in the Boardroom, which is how I found myself reminded that these people don't watch each other's interview footage. Chris rattles off who is still in the Boardroom, and supposes that whatever may be happening, "it's pretty intense." Way to go out on a limb, there, Carnac. As everyone awaits the return of the living weasels, Stephanie gives an apparently helium-fueled interview in which she says that if anyone from Magna is fired, she hopes it will be Michael, although she sort of runs that entire sentiment together into one word. It's a long season, girly-girl. Inhale. At any rate, Stephanie says that Michael doesn't take initiative and -- wait for it -- he lacks integrity. She doesn't think he has the "drive and the passion." When I write a soap opera about middle managers, by the way, that is totally what I'm calling it -- The Drive And The Passion. It will have corporate reports with naked pictures in them, and it will have phone sex with call waiting.

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