A Slice Of Heaven

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
Lesson Eight: Horatio Alger Is Mother Goose For Weasels

Carolyn: "If someone approached me on the street and said, 'Go inside and try this pizza sandwich [which is a thing I would never eat]. And I'm going to give you a [motherfucking] HAT.' Trust me, I'd [Mace them and] keep walking." I love it so much when she gets super-intense and angry about random tiny things. Like the putting green back with the Cory Kahaney task. "That fucking thing." She's all, "Fucking Andrea, come near me with that hat and you'll be crapping it." I don't know why I always have Carolyn dropping f-bombs. It's not very realistic.

Allie and Roxanne get gay on some dog walkers, and Allie hangs onto their dogs while they go get pizza sandwiches. Nobody can believe that the stupid flyers worked, like people actually did kind of leap out of bed hungering for a sandwich made of pizza. Allie works all the people and sells to them and tells every one of them that he's her favorite customer of the day. I adore her. Andrea bothers a very fucking cute hipster, who turns her down, and Roxanne interviews that their win, should it come to pass, will not be thanks to their "great PM," but in fact because they worked their asses off.

This task is impossible. It just comes down to yelling at people. I hate that. Plus, the point of convenience stores is the anonymity of their products -- you don't have 7-Eleven brand loyalty, you like knowing that you can get a small selection of items at gut-punching prices at 3 AM. ["Which, I have to mention, New Yorkers already have, in the form of delis. 7-Eleven is seriously not on the radar at all for 98 percent of the people who live here." -- Sars] The 7-Eleven brand name on a product doesn't give me any kind of a feeling about the product beyond wondering if I take it into my home, will my home smell like a urine-soaked burrito. That's it.

Lee wanders around town bothering strangers far afield from the site, and giving himself tons of Fellatio Alger about how he's the next Young Donald Trump. He tells this guy he wants to sell him a thousand sandwiches. And the guy agrees, so suddenly he's all chuffed about how he's a dealmaker and he's got "big deals" going down, and I think about Ray Liotta for an hour while he yaks, because Lee is really just less appealing every second this bullshit goes on. He's so fucking "ballsy" ["Hey Joe, what's a..." -- Jacob] ["Don't." -- Joe R.] that, just like Trump, he...asked someone to buy a thousand sandwiches. Just like Trump would! Gotta think big! Life is short! Know your customer! He wanders back through New York City toward the 7-Eleven, and tells Leslie about the sandwich deal. She authorizes him to sell at $3. The guys wants $2. Lee gives up. So fucking ballsy.

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