Apprentice
A Slice Of Heaven

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Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Eight: Horatio Alger Is Mother Goose For Weasels

Lee: "But I'm so much better than everyone else, that's how I roll."
Charmaine: "You said stupid, wrong things. Lies. Because of this 'loyalty' thing you think is so hot."
Lee: "But it totally is, and Trump will see it one day."
Charmaine: "But you're loyal to one person. Who is gone. And was pretty unpleasant to us all, you included."
Lee: "But I was thinking about it, Charmaine, and I kind of am a Lazy Jew."
Charmaine: "No, just lazy."
Lee: "I am an admirable person and I would like for you to admire me. If you don't, I'm going to hold my breath so, so long."
Charmaine: "Your mom did a number on you, kid."
Lee: "Tell me about it."
Charmaine: "So do you think you could...grow the fuck up and start being objective?"
Lee: "That's not my style, to be 'objective.'"
Charmaine: "What I'm really saying is, are you going to carry out Lenny's omerta on me now that he's gone?"
Lee: "He's not gone, really. Never gone, as long as we carry him in our hearts."
Charmaine: "I am asking you to confirm that you are not going to fuck with me."
Lee: "I am such a good person that I cannot."
Charmaine: "Five thousand of my faces are now gunning for you."

So grumpy! I should have written this recap when I was in a good mood. Like around 1993. That would be a good time for this recap. Everybody sleeps through the phone the next morning, except my girl Charmaine. They go to meet Trump in Central Park, where he's going to stop for a moment on his drive to Westchester in a shiny silver dildo with gull-wings like in Back To The Future. He is such a tool! He even drives it like a tool. With that face. Roxanne, as he's driving up: "Woooow." With a smile on her face that says the "...that's fucking tacky" is implied. GR is wearing their big silly scarves. I miss Dan. Trump reminds them how Gold Rush has lost every task but two, and the last three losses were consecutive. He asks if anybody on Synergy would like to fix Gold Rush. Tammy turns around and looks directly at Michael. It's hilarious. They all kind of shuffle around and wait for Michael to volunteer. He finally does, and they celebrate, ashamed of themselves, but jubilant nonetheless. Allie interviews -- in a scoop-neck black shirt with pink trim like a sash, only at the top of the shirt and not the bottom. Maybe she put it on upside down. Her hair looks super-awesome cute, lots of sections happening, but it's unfortunate specifically on her, due to the bobblehead issue. All the different sections add volume to her already critically large head -- that one of the many reasons they're going to win the task is because they finally got rid of Michael. "They have to deal with him! How can we lose?" And because it's Allie, who always gets the pretty edit, I think this is not hubris and that they will actually win a fourth week in a row.

Everybody's jaw drops when Trump tells them that a new 7-Eleven store opens every five hours. He does not mention that, when this happens, an angel gets environmental illness, and that now, heaven is chock full of angels in big plastic bubbles freaking out about how you can't come near them if you use fabric softener, and they all smoke now, and they roll their own, of course, and basically, 7-Eleven has made heaven a very depressing place to be. The task is to create a marketing campaign for a sickening product. Like it is every week. Didn't they used to have tasks where they did other stuff? Like selling non-branded lemonade, or flipping properties? Did I make that up? I was not a dedicated watcher in those days long ago. I don't know how you spell it, and I don't want to mention it, but Trump pronounces the sickening product "Puh-EETZ-uh." (My notes: "That's going to be fucking nasty.") They will also somehow be involving some kind of white trash race car driver or something, but you say "race car" to me and I fugue out and start thinking about really classy stuff like thread count. Never fails. Trump says the race car has lots of horsepower -- even more than the shiny silver dildo I'll be jamming up Westchester today! They all laugh, because what do you do? The team with the best sales increase for their store wins. Lee tells us in a mini-lecture about how Michael is a good addition to the group. Shut the fuck up, kid. You need to stop telling me basic shit like this. Especially since you're totally wrong about everything when you do.

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