Apprentice
A Slice Of Heaven

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Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Eight: Horatio Alger Is Mother Goose For Weasels

Somebody has made a very pretty cake for Leslie's Loserriffic Birthday. She tells them it's too easy to go back and pick it apart and say what they should have done, because it's obvious. Agreed. Lee gives them a fucking annoying speechlet about how this losing streak has got to stop, because...it means they keep losing. Lee tells us that all he knows is losing, because they've only won twice. Michael tells them that they are great, even for being such fucking losers. He interviews that although he hates to lose, at least now he's losing with a better class of loser. "I didn't really fit in," he says about Synergy. And he talks a blue streak here, but the basic point is that for some reason he'd rather lose with GR than win with Synergy. All because they were honest about how shitty he was on the task. What a fuckin' baby. Somebody needs to tell him that they are all assholes. Every single one of them. So it doesn't matter. But I agree he does fit the GR profile a lot better -- he's sneaky and snaky and self-obsessed in the pretty way of them, rather than treating everything like an orgy in the back of a field trip bus to somewhere stupid and constantly making friendship bracelets and posterboard collages for each other. ("SASSY!" "SEXY FRESH!") Leslie calls this the "worst-case scenario," and honestly just doesn't want to go to the damn Boardroom on her birthday. Too bad, loser!

Aww. Trump meets them in the Boardroom, and he says this in a funny, exhausted way, like if you were actually horrified by the dirtiness of your kid's room or something: "Leslie! What happened?" And her answer is crystalline perfection: "...We didn't sell enough pizza sandwiches is what happened." That was quite delicious. She thinks that they did a fantastic job, and that it sucks to lose over and over. He asks who did the worst job, and she says Lee, because he was always wandering off and fucking around and making shady deals. Trump: "Why was it shady?" Me: "Um, because it involved selling a thousand pizzas to a man with a van and a cell phone." Lee spins some kind of self-aggrandizing myth out of it, like he was just going to offer the guy 15-20 pizzas, but the dude wanted a thousand of them, and then he realized that the magic beans had actually grown overnight right up into the clouds. This fucking smirky proud need to impress all over his face, like a stain. Everybody agrees that if the deal went through, they would have won. But it didn't, so...

Trump asks Lee directly if he felt the price was too high, and the whole team gets scared and stares at each other like "Here we go," because that's the thing that will point the gun at all of them, because Lee is a dickwad. He admits he was eavesdropping, but not that he asked leading questions, nor that he invented them from whole cloth and there is no such thing as "managers," which are an urban legend. Leslie downplays the nagging about the price, because it was only like a dollar, which would have if anything widened the margin by which they lost, and he didn't really have a plan or strategy, just whining. Charmaine says she was okay with the price because they could always go lower. She goes on a crazy rampage about how it's a wonderful value, because it's a good product, and "It's a sandwich, and it's pizza, so it's two things Americans love..." I mean, seriously. If you're going to shovel bullshit, do it in pearls, you know? Make it a work of art. The whole time she's doing this, her eyes sweep back and forth: George, Trump, Carolyn, Trump, George, Trump. "You're a great presenter!" He says something about wanting some pizza sandwich based on her rhetorical skills, but it sounds like he's actually saying, "I want a piece of her right now!" Carolyn giggles, because if Trump eats one pizza sandwich, he'll die, and she will set into motion her evil plan where she takes out anyone who could inherit at once, all over the country, like in The Godfather, and then she becomes Trump.

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Apprentice

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