Anna Nicole Show
The Dentist

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: C+ | Grade It Now!
Thrills, chills, and drills

Anna, looking downright subtle in non-blue eye shadow, faces the camera and says that people always ask her about her childhood. Well, she didn't have one, so she's living it out now. She likes "fast men, fast cars, and fast food." Wow, Anna delivered that line with authority! She hit the word "fast" each time! Has she been working with a vocal coach, or is all that slurring stuff an act? Vocal coach, right.

Anna, Anna, glamorous Anna, Anna Nicole!

Anna, no longer speaking forcefully and back in her trademark blue eye shadow, says languidly that when she was little, she never went to the dentist, and only started going in her twenties. There's a cut to a pajama-ed, makeup-less Anna pouting and saying, "I'm going to the buuut-chers!" Then we cut back to Talking Head Anna, saying that now she's "paying the price" for neglecting her teeth. Cut back to Pajama Anna again, going to the car with Howard, saying she hates the butchers, "with their butchering, coming at me with their little fingers!" Is Anna's dentist Chucky? Does she visit the island of Dr. Moreau for her dental work? Never show this woman Little Shop of Horrors. Talking Head Anna says, "[She] [doesn't] know, something about hands coming at my freaks [her] out." She doesn't like the dentist. Got it.

Paj-Anna gets into the car and says to the cameraperson in the back seat that she's been up since "four o'clock a.m." She grinds her teeth and bites her tongue in her sleep. Teeth-grinding, also called bruxism, is hereditary, and made worse by stress. I know this because I grind my teeth, worse than some Vietnam vets that also go to my dentist (was it wrong of her to tell me that? I think of it as a Fun Fact). My dentist told me I should take up kick-boxing to work out some of the stress I take out on my bite guard nightly, but the thing is, I'm lazy and would rather do nice, relaxing yoga or nice, relaxing Pilates. Or sit on my nice ass and relax on the couch. You know. Anyway, Anna tells the backseat cameraman that her teeth are "all grinded down to the nerve" and now she "can't eat hardly." Then her pants burst into flames, and she asks to go sit on a telephone wire.

Howard opens his mouth to speak. Bad idea. He says he's brought a book to the dentist, and it's a "classic book" and also a "sexual book." The author is Henry Miller, who I never really got into, though I love Anaïs Nin and her memoir about her relationship with Miller. Miller, like Salinger or Hemingway, turns me off. That's probably because I'm a chick, right? I knew it. Anna says Howard is "such a good guy, but [he's] reading porno." No, honey, it's pronounced "LIT-ur-a-ture." Howard leafs through the book as he drives (welcome to L.A.!), and says the "part" he's "on now" is about "them" trying to find out if this "female midget has a normal size, if what they call her cunt is normal size." Wow, books are cool! Anna says she supposes they "want to stick and spin her too." Howard points out the passage "where they're having sex." Ooh, sex in a book! How unheard of. Anna places her manicured finger on the page and reads aloud. Oh, boy. Do I have to quote a long passage of Henry Miller? Which is the one where someone bones a midget -- Tropic of Cancer? Wasn't that the same Miller book in Cape Fear? This show is so unoriginal. Anna reads and likes it. Howard says, "This guy is one of the greatest American authors." Anna says that might get her started reading. She laughs and turns to the camera, saying she "hate[s] to read, but hey!" Hey indeed.

Anna, still in her PJs, still in the car, tells a story about how she loved to lie down in the back of her dad's pickup truck and enjoy the vibrations. Also, when everyone was gone, she'd take her mom's vibrator "and get off that way too." She makes the same motor noise for the truck and the vibrator sound.

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Anna Nicole Show




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