Amazing Race
Who Says Pageant Girls Don't Eat?

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Champagne wishes and caviar [bleeeaaaargh]

Chip bites and gulps. Marshall and Lance are arriving outside, and Lance takes the Roadblock. He claims that he'll be bolting the caviar in "about thirty seconds." But as soon as he puts it in his yap, he says, "Oh, my God." Well, exactly. Think twice, talk once, bud. Outside, Charla agrees to do the Roadblock for her team. When she says she hates caviar, Mirna tells her to "shut up." More of the remarkable abuse of the eaters by the non-eaters. Unbelievable. Speaking of which, Colin is now pacing in front of Christie and rubbing his chin, which I'm sure is helping her relax quite a lot, and when he hears Mirna and Charla, he says. "Oh, my God, Mirna and Schmirna are here." Is he going to announce every arrival with "oh my God"? Because I really don't think that's helping Christie. Chip eats. Charla eats. Lance eats. Chip eats. And eats. And eats. "Dude, I can't believe how quick you're gettin' through that," says Lance, eyeing Chip's progress. And not that I'm the first woman to say this to Lance, but...yeah, take note, Mr. Thirty Seconds. ["Ew." -- Sars] Chip finishes his caviar, and he and Kim are out of there in first place. Nicole and Christie? Still staring at the bowls.

Chip and Kim's clue tells them to choose a sleigh outside the restaurant and go to the pit stop. Phil explains that said pit stop is located at Catherine's Palace. And the last team to check in? Will be Philiminated. Chip and Kim get in a sleigh and leave. He talks on the ride about thinking they're in first place. "You think so?" she says. "I think so, Booby Cooper!" I don't know what a "Booby Cooper" is, but that was cute anyway.

More caviar-eating by Charla and Lance, and not so much by Nicole and Christie. Nicole, in particular, is watching the caviar drop off the spoon, which is really not what you want to do. Just as when you're up on a high wire you don't want to look down, when you're trying to eat this much caviar, it's a very bad idea to play with it. Colin has returned to watching Christie with his head in his hand. "I'm sorry, Colin, it's not easy," she says. He leans back and strokes the back of his head, because he's freaking out and needs to make a large show of it, which is exactly how people who announce their "intense" natures generally are. "Oh, my God, I can't take it. I can't take that," he says. "Just eat!" he grunts angrily at her. "Just eat!" Mirna brags loudly, "She's the strongest of the women here," which...what a jackass, seriously. Not "you're the strongest," but "she's the strongest," so it's not encouragement, it's just fucking mean, and it's crowing over an accomplishment that isn't even hers. The fact that she thinks touching someone else's backpack reflects on your character, and what she just did doesn't? Yeah, that tells you just about everything you need to know about her, forever and ever, amen.

"I hate that woman," Colin says of Mirna, getting up again for some more pacing. (Word.) "We gotta get out of here," he growls. "We gotta get out of here." He tells Christie she's "so close," and she appears to be ready to take another stab at it. And speaking for myself, I personally chalk this up to her own competitive drive, which looks to be considerable, rather than the endless stream of badgering. She returns to eating, and manages to choke it down. Bite. Bite. Bite. You can actually see her trying to keep it from touching the inside of her mouth any more than necessary. Colin looms over her, stroking his chin, as she finishes the last bite. Man, I despise looming. There is nothing -- NOTHING -- that creeps my ass out like men who loom. If you ever see me physically backing up into walls when you're talking to me, it's because you're looming. I have this thing about...looming. Bleh.

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Amazing Race

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