Amazing Race
What A Gaucho You Are

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 3 USERS: A+
Horses, horses, horses, horses

Susan and Patrick approach the Horseblock. When they get there, Patrick agrees to do it. And in the corral or whatever, Deana is still working on the horse. Ray is instructing her about how she either stays on the horse or goes home, like, thanks, dipwad. What makes him think she isn't aware of that? "You're not yelling at him," Ray says. "Yell at the horse." She protests that she is yelling! She is! Never have I seen a moment on this show that walked such a fine line between incredibly ugly and unbelievably awesome. Anyway, they note the approach of Susan and Patrick.

As Patrick and Deana both get ready to go, Deana gets Ray to help her adjust something on her foot and there's something something with taking her shirt off, and what? But then she and Patrick both start to work their way through the course. Deana is trying to please Ray by whapping the horse as many times as she possibly can. "Hit him!" Ray says. "Hit him harder!" (See? I have smart friends. ["And not that I condone abusing the equines, obviously, but…yelling at a horse doesn't do dick. You want a horse to move, you use your heels or you use the crop, but verbal commands aren't really the way to go." -- Sars]) Deana returns, makes it in 33 seconds (Argentinean cowboys, beware!), and finally, mercifully, that horse can cease being a challenge to be faced in Ray's life, if you get my meaning. They hug. (Ray and Deana, not Ray and the horse -- not that the horse probably couldn't use a hug right about now.) Patrick, on the other hand, returns to find that he's five seconds over, so he has to go again. Ray and Deana leave, so Susan and Patrick are the remaining stragglers. In the car, Ray bitches about how he's "not a back-of-the-pack person," and "won't accept that, period." Well, it's not a matter of accepting right now, Ray, it's a matter of already being there, know. Have a snack. Settle down.

Patrick gets ready to try again, and with the stick clenched in his teeth, he says, "My legs are killing me." "You don't even have your feet in the stirrups," Susan nearly snorts. Patrick initially goes for a tone of reasonableness as he says, "Hey, Mom? Let's try being quiet while I'm doing this. I need to concentrate." Susan doesn't listen, instead telling him how he needs to get the horse going faster. And understandably, Patrick points out that that's the entire point, and it's sort of easier said than done. "It doesn't help at all to hear your mom nagging at you while you're trying to do this." She protests that she's trying to help, and Patrick says through a taut expression, "Mom, I want you to stop before we have an embarrassing moment." And of course, it's a little late for that, but I see what he's saying, too, which is that it's at least not a screaming match yet, and it's about to be. Patrick tries the course again, and this time, he finally gets it done. They take off for the airport. "My crotch hurts," he protests, just sort of generally. As you do. They note that they'll be on the 2:30 flight out of Buenos Aires.

Speaking of Buenos Aires, it's about time for the first flight to land. Which it does, at 11:30 AM. The teams from that flight stand around the luggage carousel, and whose bags are off first? Well, Rob and Amber's, because they got on the flight last. "See you at the finish," Rob says as they leave. They run outside and hop into a cab. Next to get out are Brian and Greg (who say "lock and load" a lot, which makes me dig them even more), then Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, and finally -- ha, ha, ha -- Alex and Lynn. I do believe that Fate selected them for smiting. I would have, too. At the clock tower, Rob and Amber pull up and look for the man in the raincoat. They spot him and hop out of the cab. They run up to the guy and get a clue, "Currently in 1st Place." And then the guy plays "Oye Como Va." Okay, not really. But wouldn't that have been the best? The clue tells the teams, as Phil explains, to take a 20-mile train ride to Tigre, and find the docks at 700 Lavalle. Rob asks the driver if the train station that's apparently sort of right there is the right one for the train to Tigre, and the driver confirms that it is. As they get on the train, they note that it will leave in ten minutes. Brian and Greg fetch their clue next, then Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, and Lynn and Alex. All of these teams get on the same train, so there is a super-bunch between all five teams that made the first plane out of Mendoza.

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Amazing Race




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