Amazing Race

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
Curse You, Red Baron!

Steve and Allie head down the road on their bicycles. Up ahead, at the end of the course, Phil stands with a guy who looks like the mayor of the town in front of a full police marching band. And if the quality of their musical performance is any indication, there had better be no crime in this town. Michael can hear the music as they approach, and he urges his exhausted partner along. Phil dances and laughs with the mayor as the Detectives coast to the finish line, park their bikes, and half-jog stiffly to the mat. "Welcome to [something] France!" the mayor says. "I'm gonna die, Phil," Louie says. Phil says, "once again," and holds up a single gloved finger. They're team number one, and they've each won 55-inch HDTVs. Phil says they're the team to beat now, with two first-place finishes in a row. In fact, they've won as exactly many legs as the Cowboys, who have yet to come in ninth. Michael claims that they're representing law enforcement all over the world, which I'm sure the international law enforcement community would not have appreciated as much had Michael said this when they were still circling the drain. Phil brings up the U-Turn, as though they're going to feel bad about it, and Louie declares, "There's sheeps and there's wolfs. We're wolfs." They howl to prove it, and also to distract me from how many times in that sentence I should have inserted the word [sic].

Back at the battlefield, Joe and Heidi are trying to listen through their message again. No matter how many times they do it, it refuses to slow down for them. On the way to the next clue, He-Jordan is over this whole task, saying, "I don't like guns. I like swords." I just bet he does. He complains about a pain in his right foot, as the Cowboys pass them at a jog, calling out, "Adios." The Cowboys reach the church in third place and come out in their French costumes with an "Ooh la la." At least they didn't say "Eau, mon gravy." He-Jordan reads the clue outside the church, "'Proceed to la Pit Stop.' Okay, it didn't' say 'la.' I added that." Too bad.

Jet and Cord are on their bikes again, which they prefer horses to. "You don't have to pedal a horse," Jet says, which explains a lot about the only time I ever tried to ride one. Dan and Jordan take off behind them, Jordan complaining that the starter's pistol has just rendered his deafening complete. "Do I look like Lance Armstrong? Or do I look like Lance Armstrong?" Jordan asks. Is there a third option? Carol and Brandy start off in fifth. Riding along, Brandy says waspishly, "You take spinning three days a week! You should be kicking ass at this!" Mildly, Carol says, "Thank you for that sweet tone." Meanwhile, Steve and Allie arrive for what is becoming their traditional second place finish.

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Amazing Race




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