Amazing Race
This Seems Like The Path Straight To Hell!

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: A | 1 USERS: A
Double-Tall Double-Short Crappuccino

1:09 AM. Flo and Zach count out the fairly generous cash booty of $360 for the leg. I guess he really is going to wear those headbands for the entire race. I was hoping maybe last week was some kind of aberration, like maybe he was celebrating some obscure religious holiday that only comes once a year. It appears I am not to be so lucky. As they get into their SUV, Flo raves in a voice-over about how very, very brilliant Zach is as a navigator, and how lucky she is to be with him on the race. Blah dee blah natural-compass-in-his-nose-cakes. Flo says that she and the Moptopped Navigator are leaving with Aaron and Arianne, hoping that four empty heads are better than two. Surely, there's someone who specializes in The Theory Of Small Things, or The Math Of Very Tiny Amounts, who could tell me whether there's any validity to that theory. Perhaps someone who studies quarks.

1:11 AM. Here come Aaron and Arianne now. I was hoping maybe they would have been deported between episodes or something. Or disqualified for lying. Why can't we ever get annoying people disqualified, like they do on American Idol? Arianne pronounces the city they have to find "Tee-oh-tee-oh-hoss-at-lan." Oh, so close. In an interview, Aaron and Arianne mock Flo and Zach for being so "hard-core," particularly picking on Zach for having a light strapped to his head for better map-reading. Quite honestly, that seems like a pretty good idea to me. She also makes fun of Flo and Zach for having already figured out the map, not that this is going to stop her from following them. Aaron puts his hands over his eyes at the hilarity of her observations. It's possible that Arianne is speaking some language I don't speak, which would explain why I'm missing the hilarity. Aaron says, about Flo and Zach, that he guesses there's some kind of will-they-or-won't-they vibe about them. "Why haven't they just done it?" he says dramatically. "Why haven't they just done it?" Arianne repeats. And then they laugh hysterically, because that' funny. I guess. Or something. You know, I just figured out why they bother me so much. It's the ceaseless, intolerable mugging for the cameras. I have yet to see them in a moment that looks remotely genuine. They're overexerting themselves to the point where they come off like circus performers, and I'm dying for them to just knock it the hell off already before I start throwing Cracker Jack. I think it's entirely possible that I would like them if they would just stop laboring so hard all the time. Oh, and the laughing hysterically at themselves isn't very appealing, either. It bugs me when I see it on old episodes of The Carol Burnett Show, and I don't like it any better now. I am also not happy that whenever I type her name, I hear in my head, "I really wanna tell you, Arianne, Arianne...I'm thinkin' of you Arianne, Arianne," and so forth. Way to ruin a perfectly good song. So...I think that's just about my full list of current complaints. As these two teams take off for the highway (with Flo and Zach in the lead), Aaron comments that the two teams running a half-hour behind them are planning on teaming up as well.

1:33 AM. Michael and Kathy get ready to take off. Kathy voices over that now that they've been dating long-distance for a while, their choices are that someone can move, they can just keep dating long-distance, or they can break up. I sit in my big green chair for a while, scratching my head and counting on my fingers, and...yep, that certainly would seem to cover the options. You can't take anything away from her thoroughness.

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Amazing Race




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