Amazing Race
The Race Begins

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 6 USERS: A
Swing, you fat bastard!

Kim and Leslie are single teachers, and they look like they probably posed for the "Girls of the Big Ten" calendar in college. They both have long straight hair, and they have the whole blonde/brunette dichotomy going, just like Betty and Veronica. Or Brenda and Kelly. Or Joey and Jen. Or, for that matter, Sylvester and Tweety. Light Hair says they are "mentally prepared to handle whatever comes along." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Heeeeeeee hee hee. Hoo, boy. Okay. Anyway, Dark Hair says, with an element of ostensibly adorable worry, "What concerns me the most is dying." She says this on the apparent theory that it's amusing. Believe me, it's only a theory.

Lenny and Karyn are dating, and thinking of marriage. He wants the million bucks to buy her a ring (some ring!), even though she says she's "very difficult." Really, that's basically all they're giving us. I immediately suspect that Lenny and Karen are the Mohammed-from-San-Francisco of this show.

Next up: Dave and Margaretta. Hey! It is at this point that I pause and say to myself, "Surely, they are not serious. They don't expect me to write about a Margarita and a Margaretta on the same show, do they?" But they do. There is no mercy and no love for me. Dave and Margaretta are grandparents, and have been married 40 years. Margaretta says Dave is a little bossy but she doesn't take orders, so that sits well with me, and then Dave comments that Margaretta is "an Amazing Lady," so we know Dave is hip to Bruckheimer's theme. Hint: It has something to do with Amazingness. It's everywhere you look.

Matt and Ana met while serving in the Army, despite the fact that they look like hippies -- particularly Matt, who has that strange and confusing sort of reddish beard that isn't really a beard so much as a meandering fringe crying out in the darkness, just wanting someone to love it. It's the Little Orphan Annie of facial hair. It may even be the Tiny Tim. Ana comments that she's bossy but that Matt likes that about her, and he comments that she's smart, because she "never trusts [his] instincts." Lovely.

Joe and Bill are life partners, who are calling themselves "Team Guido" after their little dog. They've been together fourteen years, so yay, Team Guido. If the shot of Joe and Bill with their little dog does not remind you of Best in Show, you're a more mature person than I am. Actually, if the shot of Joe and Bill with their little dog doesn't remind you of Best in Show, you haven't seen Best in Show. Joe and Bill are planning to win on the strength of their superior brains, although they first distinguish themselves by wearing matching outfits, which I sure as hell hope is not an everyday thing. Gay, straight, whatever -- that's a big NO on the whole Bobbsey Twins thing, guys.

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Amazing Race




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