Amazing Race
The Race Begins

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 6 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Swing, you fat bastard!

As Dark Hair prepares to take the jump, she comments that she doesn't think she can do everything she needs to do in order to pull this off. Note that she is being dropped from a cliff while hanging from a stretchy rope. There's not a huge agenda. There's basically "hold the hook so you don't strangle yourself." Strangely, she comments that she "isn't good at holding things up," which sounds completely bizarre, as if she has to have people carry her lunch when she eats in the cafeteria. How does she brush her teeth? What does this woman teach, anyway? In the end, she takes the leap and does not die, although I will say with no fear of sacrificing my feminist principles that she totally whimpers like a girl the entire time. When she and Light Hair have successfully navigated the Gorge, my favorite Dark Hair moment is upon us. Light Hair says, "We're in, what, seventh place?" Dark Hair responds: "I don’t know. I can't do math right now." Ummm, dear? That's not math. That's counting. If I ask you to figure out how quickly you accelerated toward earth on the bungee jump, particularly if I wanted you to account for the effect of the helium in your head, that would be math. Dark Hair follows up with the gem, "God, there are a lot of bugs out in the jungle. Go figure." I think she's kidding, actually, which is a good thing. But I don't think she was kidding about the math, and that's just a shame.

Back to the stragglers. Cut to Matt and Ana, still looking for the Gorge, which they are also pronouncing "George." Kevin and Drew are still looking, too, as are Paul and Amie. Speaking of Amie, she has her very own crossover into completely unredeemable territory when they stop and ask a local woman where the Gorge is. They're asking in English, of course, and the woman either doesn’t know where the Gorge is or doesn't speak English, neither of which particularly makes her an idiot, it seems to me. Amie starts in with a very loud "she doesn't know, she doesn't know," which is bad enough, but then she goes on to actually yell out -- to the woman herself -- "How do you not know? You live here!" Horrible person. She is a HORRIBLE person. She and Ana are on the same page, though, because we now see a similarly frustrated Ana complain to Matt, "How can you live somewhere and not know where the hell anything is?" Meanwhile, Kevin and Drew prove that they are not remotely the Ugly Americans of this race when one of them says, "Village idiot? That's us." See? They have it right. When you're driving yourself in circles because you don't speak the language and can't communicate what you need clearly enough to get help, YOU are the idiot. Thank you, Team Shower-Fresh Scent, for that moment of clarity.

Cut to Nancy and Emily, just getting to the zip line. Nancy has been praying not to be eliminated, and they are thrilled to see that they aren't last. As Emily takes off on the zip, it becomes clear that this business about teams with different pre-existing relationships was pretty smart, because Nancy's face instantly reminds me that she has a stake nobody else has -- she's watching her kid do some of these really unsafe and stupid things, and that's actually scarier than watching your friend or your husband, particularly if your husband is Loud Pushy Frank and you find yourself secretly thinking that if he were dashed on the rocks, you could collect a cushy settlement and go look for a real husband.

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Amazing Race

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