Amazing Race

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
That Is Studly

As Nick and Starr take off for the bakery, Andrew and Dan -- now firmly in last place -- begin their marching practice. Ex-band geek Andrew does fine, but Dan does it worse than any normal human could if they tried. Seriously, he's out of step, he can't keep the pace, and his arms and fists are churning out of sync with his legs. He looks like a baby who's learning to walk, which even at his unimposing height is a rather disturbing spectacle. Even the soldiers are beginning to snicker to each other. As Nick and Starr taxi back out of there, we see another marching attempt from Dan as he VOs that he's not so great at coordination or motor skills. Attempt after attempt, he gets worse at it, if anything. The soldier just keeps shaking his head Nyet.. In voice-over, Dan tries to claim that marching is an art, like ballet. Which doesn't exactly play to his strengths of "sports and TV." I suspect that's being generous; he's probably better at "sports on TV." Even his premise is faulty -- despite what he says, it's not music or art or dancing or ballet, it's walking. Stylized walking, yes, but the only part of it Dan is doing right is the part where he bipedally generates forward motion. The soldiers and even the band members are openly laughing at him by now, except for the drill instructor, who's just getting more and more disgusted. Dan keeps flailing along, and finally gives up to go back to the borscht. A triple Bald Snark! Amazing. And how completely "boots."

Toni and Dallas have arrived...somewhere. "That's definitely not a bakery," Dallas says, turning around after charging into a hostel or something. He's lucky that wasn't interpreted as an invasion. At least he and Toni seem to be in the right neighborhood, as opposed to the other two teams. Nick and Starr still hate their driver: "I can't wait to be done with this guy," Nick mutters under his breath, as though the driver could understand him anyway.

On his way into the right bakery, Dallas nearly blows right past the clue box standing outside before Toni reels him back. Road Block! Phil tells us that the Road Block player will...become a delivery person. Wow, that almost sounds interesting when he says it. Specifically, they'll need to unload 50 bags of flour -- each weighing fifty pounds -- out of the back of an open delivery truck, and stack them neatly on the floor of the bakery. The clue is pretty clear: "Who's got a strong back?" So it's equally clear that Dallas will be doing this one. He springs up the plank ramp into the back of the truck and runs back out with a giant sack balanced on each shoulder. Inside the bakery, there's a very stout Russian woman with a severe red haircut watching over him. "That won't do. Be careful!" she scolds Dallas as he drops the first two bags haphazardly onto the floor. "Follow the instructions!" With 2 of 50 bags delivered, Dallas heads back for another pair, interviewing after the fact that he wanted to give her some backtalk. "I'm doing you a favor here," he says. Yes, I'm sure that under normal circumstances she'd be thrilled that four Americans would be parking a total of five tons of flour on her floor. Toni is telling Dallas to slow down; it's not like anyone else will be able to do this as fast as him anyway, so he should take his time. Dallas ignores her. After a dozen bags, Toni tells him to switch to doing them one at a time. He's straining too hard to respond with more than a flat "No." Ken and Tina arrive shortly thereafter, and clearly this will be Ken's task to do. He interviews about how exhausted Dallas looked by the time Ken stepped up into the truck: "His eyes were sunk back in his head, he had flour all over him, he was breathing heavy." Sounds like he could be describing Dallas's first date with Starr. Dallas in turn interviews that Ken's older, but big as well. Dallas is still 16 bags ahead of him. While waiting outside, Tina asks Toni how many bags Dallas has schlepped. "I'm not telling you," Toni says good-naturedly. She laughs, but she's still not telling her. As Dallas continues to carry the bags in pairs, Toni VOs that Dallas is strong, but doesn't think things through. Both men are slowing down on their way back up into the truck. It's that middle half-ton that's the hardest, you know.

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Amazing Race




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