Amazing Race
Quit Following Us

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B- | 1 USERS: A+
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Hysterical Landmarks

Jonathan and Victoria stagger toward the mat, Jonathan still berating his disconsolate wife. Phil watches their approach disapprovingly. And this is when it happens. On first viewing, it looks like he bashes her in the shoulder. But on closer examination, he's punching her backpack. Hard. Which, since it's strapped to her body, nearly knocks her off-balance. He's way past creepy and well into offensive territory now. She wails at him to stop it, and he continues on without her has she stoops to pick up whatever he just made her drop. Phil looks kind of horrified, and I can't blame him.

Jonathan stands on the mat, raises his pack in front of him, and flings it down, as if to tell the world, "This is why we didn't win this leg. This, and this poorly trained housepet I'm saddled with." Phil tells them, in the tone he normally uses to Philiminate people, that they're team number two. Jonathan shakes Phil's hand. Phil thinks, "Oh, that'll have to come off now." Victoria, hunched over in exhaustion, says, "Why couldn't you just carry it yourself?" Jonathan's answer: "I threw it for a reason. You didn't have to stop and pick it up." "It wasn't gonna be there when you got back," Victoria points out. Jonathan bitches that it's his pack, and that he should have been allowed to drop it. Tell me this, Jonathan: if you'd gotten your little cruise, and then you went back to get your pack and it was gone, whose fault would that have been? Would that have been your fault, Jonathan? Assuming your passport was in there, would you have taken responsibility for the race's ending for you guys right here in Germany while you spent the next week hanging around the American Consulate trying to figure out how to get home? Or would you have put it on Victoria, telling her that your supreme sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary if she had just moved a little faster somewhere earlier in the leg? No, don't answer that. I already know. I knew I was going to hate this guy since the first episode, when his introduction of himself consisted of showing off how many euphemisms for "asshole" he knows. I've got a new one: "Wife-shover."

Victoria stomps off, still crying hard. Phil calls after her, but she doesn't stop. Jonathan tells Phil, "She's gotta live with her choices." Yeah and the hardest one to live with is the one with blue hair. Phil just tells him, "Jonathan, I think you probably should go and talk to Victoria." Victoria looks like she's seriously considering whether a million dollars is worth spending one more second with that asshelmet. Jonathan takes Phil's suggestion, and goes over to bitch at Victoria in a more reasonable tone of voice. I don't think that's what Phil meant. But congratulations, Jonathan. Your brilliant strategy of totally destroying your partner's morale has succeeded admirably. And all this -- not over the million dollars, not over avoiding elimination, but over winning one measly leg. Jonathan is a fuckstick. Of course, that could be just the editing.

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Amazing Race

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