Amazing Race
I'm Not His Wife — He Doesn't Need To Scream At Me

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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A Few Leaders And A Bunch Of Oslo-Rans

5:48 AM. Spazpants, also part of the clump o'teams. They exchange a little kiss, but believe me, there is no washing away the stain. Also, he is wearing a stupid hat...over his blue hair. Shut up, Jonathan's entire head and all its accoutrements. "This race shows you all the things you don't like about yourself," he says in an interview. It also shows you all the things others don't like about you, as he knows if he does much self-Googling these days, which I suspect he does. In fact, I will bet you he has a News Alert on himself. He says you have to "try to rise above it." You know, like he does. In the car, Victoria says, calmly, "Let's go." "Stop panicking," he fumes. "I'm not panicking," she says simply. And really, if he thinks that's panicking, he should see me trying to...I can't really say "get out of downtown Minneapolis" anymore, actually, since I've gotten better at that. We'll go with "shop for Christmas gifts." At any rate, Jonathan is not appeased. "Then stop whining to me," he says, all icy. Victoria interviews that she really hopes that the race will take her and Jonathan's relationship somewhere more positive. It's working great so far! Unfortunately, when she says "more positive place," I don't think she means "family court."

5:50 AM. Lori and Bolo. We learn from Bolo that they're being given $181 for this leg of the race. The amount of money is a palindrome! There might be a hidden meaning! Discuss! Bolo explains that he loves Lori because she's determined to be successful in life, and that this has made him more successful. And she keeps him from getting his ass thrown in jail, as was happening before they met. That's what jailhouse counselors always say, of course. "You need a job, to find the Lord, and to meet a lady wrestler with giant ya-yas to kick you in the ass from time to time." So he, of course, wants to win the million for her, because she deserves it. Welcome to The Amazing Meritocracy. We do not sell indulgences.

At 6:33 AM, Hornio rips its clue. "When push comes to shove, we come together," Rebecca says. Out on the road, push is apparently not coming to shove quite yet, because she is riding his ass about not wanting him to pass people. He starts to warm up to yell at her, all, "Rebecca --," but then he stops himself. He affects a look of artificial calm and says, overly sweetly, "Rebecca? Rebecca, honey? Can you sit back and enjoy the drive?" Heh. She agrees. Get a haircut, El Hornio, and fall out of love with your damn sunglasses. You are not beyond hope.

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Amazing Race

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