Amazing Race
I'm Not His Wife — He Doesn't Need To Scream At Me

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
A Few Leaders And A Bunch Of Oslo-Rans

4:57 AM. Hayden and Aaron. The clue tells them to fly to Oslo, and Phil explains that after flying about 1,000 miles, they'll have to drive 35 more, to the Holmenkollen Ski Jump. Little-Known Fact: "Holmenkollen" is Norwegian for "AIIEEEE!" As Hayden and Aaron leave, he explains in a voice-over that they met ten months ago, and that there are still things they're learning about each other. Wait, after ten whole months? Impossible! The fingerprinting shouldn't take that long, and after that, it's really just a matter of bribing the Department of Homeland Security. Aaron says, as he did last week, that Hayden can be bossy, but that it's her personality, and that he likes that about her. One of the rules of reality television, as you know, is that whatever you do is okay, as long as it's your personality. The right -- the obligation -- of every person to be enslaved by his or her id is in the Magna Carta. And the Bible, and Robert's Rules of Order, and The Communist Manifesto. Nice people are phonies, so thank God for the bastards and harpies who keep it real.

At 5:42 AM, the irrationally exuberant Kris and Jon leave the mat. He tells us that he expects the fact that they don't argue very much to be an advantage for them. We watch him kiss her hand (aw!) as he says that their happy demeanor keeps them "tight" (hee) and allows them to concentrate. I can tell that, at some point, it's going to come out that they collect Precious Moments figurines or listen to Journey or have chin implants, because I like them way too much right now.

5:44 AM, Lena and Kristy. They drive out, Kristy navigating, and she explains in an interview that she wishes Lena would jump in and offer more input, because she feels like she's making a disproportionate number of the decisions. These people, too, are entirely too functional. Damn cooperating Mormons. They're supposed to be opposites! Have you seen Lena's tank tops? Kristy should tell her to cover up! Lena should tell Kristy she's a slave to the rhythm! Lena should be all, "Ah don't want yore laaahfe!" I can't tolerate all this harmony.

5:45 AM. Freddy and Kendra leave, the third team to go within a three-minute span. Freddy gives a weird interview in which he says that he has to "be there" for Kendra to reassure her that everything is going to be all right. He says that "it always works," so apparently, he is frequently called upon to keep her from losing her shit and now has a whole plan. Not a good sign.

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Amazing Race




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