Amazing Race
I'm Not His Wife — He Doesn't Need To Scream At Me

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
A Few Leaders And A Bunch Of Oslo-Rans

Kris and Jon and Bolo and Lori are feeling a little lost looking for the train station. Lena and Kristy, on the other hand, find their way straight there. And behind them? Nuance, recovering nicely from that screw-up back at the dock. And right behind them are Meredith and Maria. So two of the teams from No Clue Boat Of Spazpants Discontent made it before four of the teams from Clue Boat got it together. Either the boats weren't very far apart, or it was a fairly confusing drive.

In the Hornio car, a fight breaks out over the sunglasses. El Hornio hollers that he took them off because Rebecca told him to, and now they're lost. "If you ever tell me to take off glasses again," he snarls through clenched teeth, "I'm never going to talk to you for the rest of my life." And how Rebecca manages to sit in the back seat crying instead of laughing is a great mystery to me. They're sunglasses. You can buy more. And if you can't take off your sunglasses without losing them, that's really your problem, because they're not intended to be welded to your head for the duration of your life, so even their manufacturers anticipate that you will take them off from time to time, whether you have a demanding girlfriend or not. Do we need to give you a hook for them, like your mom used so you wouldn't use your mittens? Big baby. But Rebecca sniffles under her...plaid Hornio adjusts his ball cap, sarcastically spitting, "Thanks, Rebecca. Thank you, thank you very much." Jerk. You distracted me from commenting that her visor looks like she sewed it herself from someone's golf pants.

Spazpants at the train station. Lots of other teams. In fact, everybody is waiting together at the train station to go to Voss. When they buy their tickets, Don asks whether there's a senior discount, and it turns out that there is. Woo! He tells us that getting older sometimes pays off. I'm trying to hold out hope that that's true. As the teams wait for the train to depart, Rebecca and El Hornio stand off to the side and she tells him that their relationship is not bringing her a lot of satisfaction right now. She calls it, in fact, "so bad, all the time." He insists that it's not bad all the time. Wow, reassuring. She goes on to caution him that she's losing whatever nice feelings she's ever had for him. The other teams try desperately to look at their maps and pretend this is not going on a few feet away. "Do you want me to jump on the tracks?" he asks her. Wow, it's a tragic teenage Shangri-Las song all of a sudden. "I'm going to jump on the tracks," he says, walking toward the train tracks. "Seriously, I'm going to jump on the tracks." "You're such a drama king," she says. "Drama...king"? Please. "I'm going to jump on the tracks, if that will make it better," he says, apparently offering to die on the altar of sunglass-related bickering. It's weird the way the assholes this year are so...twinky. It's the only word I can think of. "I don't want you to...seriously..." He gets all stammery. "I don't want you...Rebecca, I don't want you not to love me." Well, honestly, how can you not love a guy who would threaten never to speak to you again over sunglasses? A good man is hard to find, after all.

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Amazing Race




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