Amazing Race
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Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 5 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Tea and Treachery

This week, it's time to put your hands in the air and -- yes, I know you're a caring person. I'm saying you have to put aside your personal feelings and wave them LIKE you just don't care. Why, you ask? Why? Well, to salute the posters on the forums, of course. What's this you say? You don't hang out on the forums? What are you thinking?

Previously on How Bruckheimer Got His Oeuvre Back: An elephant stomped, but not as insistently as the petulant Amie, who got to hissing and spitting with the gone-and-instantly-forgotten Light Hair. Yakkety yak, pulling hair, hitting each other with their purses, "fat bitch," "what-EV-er." Cameramen self-medicated before hurling themselves through various exotic locales with long lenses strapped to their bodies. Promises were made and broken by sad little airport gate attendants. According to Phil, Lenny "pretended" to find the clue, and took himself and Karyn to Notre Dame in error. (Perhaps an uncharitable description of the circumstances.) This made Karyn very unhappy, and she twisted the knife of his mistake so hard for so long that she tore every muscle in her arm. As for strategy? Suffice it to say that you can lead a Guido to an alliance, but you can't make him stay in it any longer than he thinks it benefits him personally. As for Dark Hair and Light Hair, they were sucked into the void by the sheer force of the bad feelings they left in their wake. A disturbing preview of this week's episode sent Dave and Margaretta's powerful fan base into fits of worry.

Credits. Bruckheimer hates me, or at least he's willing to give me a three-week pounding headache. Jerry, Jerry, what did I ever do to you -- you know, besides the incessant mocking?

Arc de Triomphe, Paris. We see the teams mingle as Phil explains that each team has to wait twelve hours to leave, as was the case in Songwe Village. First to leave the Arc are Pat and Brenda, at 9:06 PM. They rip open the clue, which tells them to go to "Le Grande Roue," which is a big, brightly lit Ferris Wheel that grows up from the dark Paris skyline. (I am told that it is left over from the millennium celebration -- thanks, forums!) The wheel, though, is only open for business from 9:00 AM to 12:30 AM. (Thus begins the theme of this week: The Mashing Of Your Substantial Lead Into Specks Of Dust Via Issues Of Unfortunate Timing.) Pat and Brenda clearly first don't quite process what 12:30 AM means, because Pat immediately announces they can do nothing until 9:00 the next morning. Hello? 12:30 AM is after midnight, ladies. Brenda figures this out, and suggests that they still actually have three and a half hours, so they can probably make it across town. They ask directions, and find that the locals are pretty cooperative about directing them to the wheel. (This is a lot easier than finding the Songwe Museum, especially because they didn't immediately hop in a car and start with the indiscriminate driving.) In her interview, Pat explains that she and Brenda are getting along pretty well, but they're nervous about the Guidos. Hey -- we're all nervous about the Guidos. First week? Adorable. Last week? Smug. This week? Well, we'll have to just wait and see.

Speaking of the Guidos, what do you say we cut to them right now? What a good idea! They're leaving at 11:38 PM. Joe (who, if you're still wondering, is the blondish one) explains to the camera that Bill is "a take-charge sort of guy," so he often…well, takes charge. Hey, what do you say we see that happen? As Bill figures out the clue and leads the way into the subway, we realize that he and Joe are wearing -- oh, no! -- Team Guido knit hats. No, not just matching hats like they have worn so many other times. This time, the matching knit hats actually say, "TEAM GUIDO." That is gross. That is wrong, and dumb, and gross. Stitching your name into your clothes is all right in only two circumstances: (1) You are at summer camp; (2) you have a high school letter jacket, preferably one that you, as captain of the football team, are going to give to me, as head cheerleader, in which case said jacket should read "Steve," "Gary," "Ted," or possibly "J.R." And you can take me to the prom and buy me flowers, and then…I'm sorry, what was I talking about? Ah, yes -- Team Guido. To what I'm sure is your great surprise, they're praising themselves as they board the train. Have they mentioned that they used to live in Paris?

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Amazing Race

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