Amazing Race
Here We Go, Baby, Off To Win A Million Bucks

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Miss Alli: A | 1 USERS: A+
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BJ and Tyler. Now, they are a problem. I anti-took to them instantly, with an almost evangelical fervor, and then a very awesome woman I know told me that she's sort of friends with one of them, which has created overwhelming cognitive dissonance. For me, the ruffled peach Tony Clifton tuxedo shirt and the furry scarf thing...it's all so affected, and they are everyone I knew and didn't like in college, because I was afraid they would wind up 40 years old and still under the impression that streaking is the highest form of entertainment. Anyway, they've been friends for a long time, and they're from San Francisco, and they "seek the joy in life." See? There it is. There's seeking the joy in life, and then there's telling everyone you seek the joy in life, and doing one of those two things makes you one of two very different kinds of people. When Tyler announces that they are "searchers for the funny and the ironic," and we watch them hanging off the side of a cable car, all clowny and look-at-me, I become instantly exhausted. It's good to appreciate irony, but your entire existence cannot be ironic. Ultimately, if your whole life is one big game of Wouldn't It Be Funny If I Was This Guy!, then you ARE that guy, and I can't relate to you as a theoretical construct. And then there's...swordplay? Yeesh. I feel like in 20 years, they're going to be historical re-enactors, only they'll be reenacting Laugh-In bits instead of the Civil War. They also refer to themselves as "hippie-looking," and I can't really get into that. Hippie is a state of mind, to me, and if you're doing it on purpose, you aren't one.

Ray and Yolanda. He's a lawyer, and she's a teacher, and they're dating. She declares them "athletic" in an interview, and from the jogging footage, it appears that she is not kidding. She also refers to him as "the male version of [herself]," owing to his drive and determination. As they do sit-ups, he voices over that he's from "the 'hood," and that he went to law school to empower himself against a system that often sucks. Boy, that's pretty advanced for a segment of the show that usually features nothing but "We hope people underestimate us!" They are also seen doing lunges with weights, and if you think to yourself upon seeing this, "No, no, no, don't hurt me, Allie Del Rio!" then you and I have something in common.

John and Scott are "lifelong friends." Scott, who looks sort of regular-guy, short-haired and generic in a good way, says that they're so much like family that his father called John "his tallest daughter." To which I say: Shut up, Scott's father. John has that unfortunate thing going on where he has the really enormous head and the really conspicuous lisp, and it is with enormous sympathy that I say I suspect he's been beaten up a lot. He says that he wants to do the race because he doesn't do anything most of the time, and he's afraid of leaves. Oh, wait. No. He's afraid of flying. He's going to overcome his fears, I guess, or else he's going to wind up in even more therapy than I'm thinking he has already had. He certainly doesn't have a fear of overpoweringly large dogs, judging from this introductory footage. John thinks the two of them can do anything, and if not, they're going to die trying. "Or one of us is," Scott adds, patting John on the shoulder. Scott? Totally not kidding.

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Amazing Race

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