Amazing Race
Here We Go, Baby, Off To Win A Million Bucks

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: A | 1 USERS: A+
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Lake and Michelle. Hilariously, he's a dentist, which I guarantee you the world's dentists are not happy to hear. They have put years of PR effort into various "we don't hurt you on purpose" campaigns, and now: this guy. I am extra-disposed to hate him, by the way, due to the fact that I spent two hours this week having a broken tooth repaired. On the other hand, I would rather spend two hours with any other dentist while he's acting in his dental capacity than spend two hours with Lake while he's just being a person, I think. He has that weird kind of short, overly neat hair that you know was once a mullet, as well as the generic beard of the overinvested NASCAR fan. He undoubtedly claims to love Metallica, but secretly tears up at "Jesus Take The Wheel." Michelle ordered her hair from the Bake Sale Ladies Of 1984 Collection, and she says that she sees herself as a "typical southern woman," like "Scarlett O'Hara makin' it through the war, she'll do whatever she has to." As if Scarlett O'Hara would have married an overbearing dentist. Interestingly, one of my favorite compliments ever came from a southern guy I know who told me that I would go crazy living in his part of the country. "You're what we'd call an outspoken woman," he said, and I immediately knew I had found the title of my autobiography. Oh, and when Michelle talks about how protective she is of her family, we see a clip of her protecting her son from picking his nose on camera. Save him from himself, Michelle!

For his part, Lake tells us that he has a strong personality and lots of confidence, and that he has no compassion. I have to say, I can't imagine anyone better qualified to drill my teeth. I like my dentists aggressive and devoid of sympathy. He says that there may be people who are threatened by his "drive" and how he's "goal-oriented." This is his mother talking, I'm assuming. ("Oh, sweetie, they're just intimidated by how driven and goal-oriented you are.") He also says that if nobody beats him and Michelle, they'll win. Apparently, before dental school, he took a few courses in logic, and he remembers everything he learned.

Danielle and Dani. They are childhood friends from Staten Island, and they wash their clothes in Pepto. They share their secrets, their dreams, and their hair-frosting specialist. In their interview, which seems to have been shot at some kind of Coyote Fugly bar, they say they'll be racing hard, but they are girls, and they are young, and they like boys. And up to that point, I really have no quibble. They mention that they will be wearing their pink bandannas, and I give total props to the EEFPs who figured out long before I did that the show had started issuing team bandannas. You'd think I would be more observant. Or maybe you wouldn't, but still. Anyway, we see Danielle and Dani rollerblading in miniskirts, making their introduction almost an exact replica of TAR 7's Debbie and Bianca's. The funny part is that they don't rollerblade like they do it very often. I'm not sure it's exactly a regular part of their schedule so much as something some producer thought would look hott in an intro. Then there's a whole "we seem nice, but we're devils" thing, which I always think is aimed at a very narrow stripe of the male demographic that likes its women mean. (A depressingly narrow stripe, I should say.)

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Amazing Race

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