Amazing Race
Do You Need Some Mouth-To-Mouth Resuscitation?

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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The one with all the eating

3:19 AM. Lynn and Alex read their clue, and what part do they fasten on? "Yield Ahead." "Awesome!" Lynn says breathlessly. They explain that they want to win, but they especially want to beat Rob and Amber. "We just don't like them," Lynn says, bleeding that sense of entitlement that is already growing so very old. "And we don't want them here," Alex adds. Apparently I missed the memo where Lynn and Alex were appointed social directors of the race, empowered to dismiss anyone they "don't want here" for reasons unspecified. I wonder how they would have felt about Rob saying, "I don't want you here." I'm betting they wouldn't have cared for that. I wonder how they'll feel if I say it. Because I might.

3:20 AM. Debbie and Bianca. I believe they say they have $80 for the leg, and then they take off in a cab. Bianca interviews all about how they've been friends forever, so they have this soul connection, blah blah blah, "stronger and stronger," doodley-doo. "Sheer determination will get us through this race," she insists. I suppose it depends on what one is determined to do in the area of, say, map-reading. But we'll get to that.

3:24 AM. Meredith and Gretchen. In an interview, she explains, "I verbalize my emotions." Which is one way of putting it, I suppose. She says she has "a hard time keeping things to [her]self." She goes on to tell us that she loves Meredith "to death" and, through a smirk, says of her pushy personality, "I make it up to him in a lot of other ways." You know, it's not that I want to be one of those dumb people who think no one over 50 is allowed to have sex, but there's something about the way she says it, all coyly, that strikes me as a little dopey. I would almost rather she had been like, "Fortunately, our blistering sex life remains as vibrant as the day we were married." Because that, I could only have respected. I do love the editing there, though, as they hold on the silence for the perfect brief moment. That's the "Yes, you heard correctly; take a moment to say something to those watching with you" edit. In their cab, Meredith asks for the parking garage. Where they can sneak behind a dumpster and OH I AM JUST KIDDING.

3:35 AM. Patrick and Susan. Susan interviews that she really just wants Patrick to be happy, and she thinks he needs a boyfriend. Aw. It's so good for anyone who may not already know it to be reminded that some things are truly universal. Patrick goes on to say that he thinks his mother wishes there were someone who could look out for him. And he says it in a way that's really endearing, and I think yet again about how much I really, really wish he weren't being such a douche obsessing about Rob and Amber, because I'd like to like him in that college-boy way where he doesn't know anything but will one day have to get a real job and will probably wind up being the only guy in a boring workplace who I could possibly relate to, you know? Anyway.

3:46 AM. In a sequence that is a lot funnier than it rightfully should be, Brian and Greg leave, and...damn, whichever one it is...rips the clue open while doing a whole wrestling intro, like, "Starting in last place for The Amazing Race, six-foot-three, six-foot-four, Smith brothers!" And the other one makes crowd noise. It's really stupid, but it makes me laugh anyway, because my other option seems to be Lynn and Alex laughing at their own nail-breaking jokes, which I can't bring myself to do. ["If it makes you feel any better about liking them (and it may not), if my brother and I went on the show this is roughly what we would be like. Except with more fart noises." -- Sars] Anyway, they count their money and leave, explaining that they don't want to come that close to being booted again. Okay, okay -- Greg has the headband! (Yeah, headband.) At least in this episode. So in the cab, Greg is saying that Brian shouldn't get mad at him for not knowing where they're going, and then he makes mention of driving themselves to Argentina. And then there is the world's most excellent pause. And then Brian says, "Argentina?" So now we have one couple not familiar with the Andes mountains, and one who is surprised to hear about the country that's next door. We're certainly firing on all cylinders, providing none of the cylinders require you to have ever benefited from Weekly Reader as a child.

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Amazing Race

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