Amazing Race
Do You Need Some Mouth-To-Mouth Resuscitation?

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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The one with all the eating

1:24 AM. Ron and Kelly. As they go, Ron tells us that he's not all that sure he wants to marry Kelly yet. She seems to be in more of a hurry to get married and have babies than he feels like he is. I can't pin down what it is about these two, but they don't even seem like they know each other. They appear to be in the late stages of a really, really, really long first date. It's like they're going to get to some major and beautiful landmark, and the lean-in for the smooch will take, like, half an hour. They get a taxi, and in one of my favorite moments, Ron tells her to "tell [the driver] something," and so she says, "Rapido." Awesome: "Give the driver directions!" "Uh...fast!" Let me know how that works out.

2:17 AM. Awesomely, as Ray and Deana leave, she refers to the Andes mountains as the "Andidas mountains," and he refers to them as the "Andreas mountains." Wow. They're in South America, and they're totally flummoxed by the words "Andes mountains." You know, I'm not expecting people to have memorized all the ways out of the country, but..."Andes mountains"? When you're in Santiago? It's like being on a travel show in New Orleans and being like, "Hmm, 'Take a boat up the Miss -- Mississ -- Mississorapi River.'" Not promising. Anyway, in an interview, Deana comments that Ray tends not to pay attention to her, which she finds "irritating." I don't know that I would enjoy the Ray brand of attention, but...I see her point. As they leave, she gripes to him that he doesn't listen to her, and he answers back that she needs to "start asserting [her]self." Because...you know, baby, don't hate the bulldozah, hate the dirt! He complains in their interview of her desire to have him "usher her through every situation," while he thinks she should "step up and do it herself." It ought to work, because nothing encourages confident self-reliance like belittling and haranguing. That's the parenting technique that produces most of the world's highly functional adults, after all. "We just don't want to make any dumb mistakes," Ray says. The music, in this almost obligatory way, becomes overwhelmingly tense, as if a dumb mistake is going to happen RIGHT NOW as a result of him tempting his karma like that, but it doesn't.

3:16 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. Uchenna says that they've had "tumultuous times," and they're looking to "get the wheels back on" their relationship. And...their relationship is clearly so much more firmly wheeled than those of 90 percent of the people who go on this show that it's kind of quaint that they're concerned.

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Amazing Race

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