Amazing Race
Check Your Tires Because…Oh God, You Never Know What'll Happen!

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
Barbarians at the gate

Previously on VanMunsterhaus: Vienna beckoned, so there was really no need to dawdle in Venice unless you were a pigeon or a gondolier. Exhaustion put in an appearance as Tian harangued about the burden of Jaree's backpack and Millie's lungs waved a little red sign that said, "HELP! HELP HELP!" Millie was very put out with Chip for running into her fingernail with his nose. He bled on the virgin, the inconsiderate ape! ["THAT'S PART OF THE RITUAL. WHAT ARE YOU, NEW?" -- Tsathoggua] Austria's powerful musical traditions sent Josh and Steve through a hazardous waltz of fire on their way to the Fast Forward, and sent Jon and Kelly to a fateful meeting with Campy von Beethoven, Ludwig's great-great-great-great grandnephew. The Pectoral College realized it needed to take fewer transfer students from the Barbizon Schools of Modeling, and perhaps impose a stricter SAT cutoff. There was bungee-jumping, because the failure to include bungee-jumping would violate the Geneva Convention. Karma walked up to Russell, tapped him on the shoulder, spat on the floor, and said, "You. Out." (Incidentally, there are four -- count them, four -- appearances by The Horns of Perseverance during these previouslys, making them the best previouslys ever, based solely on HoP count.)

"Who will be eliminated..." The national debt doubles to four hundred jillion dollars and twelve cents, and W's rolling Oval Office desk chair (which he calls the "wheelie seat") is repossessed. "...tonight?"

Credits. This week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance Of TiVo: As it turns out, Millie keeps one foot on Chuck's goodies at all times. [BOMP.]

Commercials. Sometimes Mommy goes shopping instead of supervising your use of the automatic ice maker, because she's a very, very bad mommy. That's why Daddy is seeing Tiffani.

We zoom in and out of the Seeschloss Orth as Phil reminds us that it was the third pit stop. Phil has the brown suede jacket on over a black and white speckly sweater, and that is not working for me. It may be because I have that sweater myself. I'm fairly girly, Phil; you and I should not have much in the way of overlapping wardrobe. Eat/Sleep/Mingle reveals Millie slapping AirSteve on the shoulder (though she will probably later claim that he rammed her hand with his body). Phil wonders aloud whether Millie's asthma or the Chipsters' obnoxious behavior will result in further problems. I vote for a crossover storyline where Millie breaks Reichen's jaw with her inhaler.

2:57 AM. DadSteve and Josh. The clue tells them to get to an airport and fly themselves to Paris. Josh marble-mouths the rest of the clue, so Phil steps in to clarify that once they get to France, they are not actually going to "frrnmmp rrlmmgrrnnph," but instead will travel to Le Mans and visit the racetrack there to get their next clue. "You have $440 for this leg of the race," Josh reads. Boy, if they keep handing out this much money, the biggest threat to good racing is going to be bandit encounters, followed by blisters resulting from stuffing your socks with crisp new twenties. As Josh and DadSteve get into their taxi, they bicker about whether to take the taxi all the way to Salzburg to the airport, or to take the taxi to the train station and then get a train to Salzburg. DadSteve wants to take the taxi the whole way, but Josh insists that because it's eighty kilometers to Salzburg, they should take the train. Thus does Josh become Guy Who Woefully Misapprehends The Race. Josh insists to his dad that everyone else will take the train, but even if this were so, you might still want to get the cab -- the better to get out ahead of the slackers. Unfortunately, being imbued with about as much wisdom as the guy who green-lighted From Justin To Kelly doesn't stop Josh from snapping at his dad that they're going to the train station, dammit. DadSteve gives in, so we next see them arriving at the deserted Attnang train station. Josh despairs -- overly optimistically, as it turns out -- that the teams will soon be "bunched up" (shout-out!) at the train station, while his dad continues to mutter that he's not sure the train station was such a great idea.

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Amazing Race




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