Amazing Race
Cheaters Never Win — And They Cheated!

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
Again with the racing

Russell and Cindy are -- wait a minute, didn't we have a Russell and Cyndi before? We did! What kind of games are they playing here, anyway? This Russell and Cindy are friends, and she seems to think they might be dating, and he seems not to. Hmm, I think that works out to "not." Furthermore, there's something about her that strikes me as very chilly. And wow, look at those white teeth! She could be Blake's lost sister. Well -- aunt, I guess. Or else Blake made those teeth in his basement and sold them to her via direct mail solicitation. Anyway, she says she loves and adores Russell. He says he doesn't want a relationship. I smell one of those non-romance romances like Flo and Zach, where they try to make the casting people think there's the potential for a sex outbreak. Because what could be a better romantic motivator for people who have thus far not been able to get the engine running than a month without showering or doing your laundry? Mmm, crusty socks. Sexy!

Monica and Sheree are both married to guys who play for the Atlanta Falcons. Now, the thing I like about them is that they say they want a chance to do something for themselves, because their husbands' careers are pretty all-consuming. What I don't like is that they're wearing football jerseys. I mean, if you're trying to get out from under your husband's career, you could start by not wearing his shirt.

David and Jeff are friends. Wait, didn't we already have a Dave? We did! This is getting ridiculous. Phil describes the boys as "bachelors," but -- crucially -- not "confirmed bachelors." They are, however, the designated Unfortunate Facial Hair Special Envoys from the planet Remington Microscreen. Jeff has a little quarter-sized soul patch, and David has a scraggly goatee that makes him look like Edward Norton playing some notorious pornographer. They claim to be "planners" who "think on [their] feet," but the introductory footage is of them running on the beach with surfboards. Their motto? Love Us For Our Minds Because We Are Smart, But If It Helps, We Are Ripply Also.

Amanda and Chris. She's wearing her hair in two little ponytails, which is not a good start at all from an aesthetic perspective. On the other hand, these two are from South Dakota, so we're practically neighbors. And of course, you can see straight from my house to their house, since there's nothing in between except soybeans and corn. Chris says that people will think they're "bumpkins," and will underestimate them. It strikes me funny how many teams have, as a strategy, being underestimated. It's the "we meant to do that" of team introductions.

Kelly and Jon are recently engaged, and are from Miami. She has that sproingy red aerobics-instructor hair that screams, "Five more crunches! You can do it!" and he said in his pre-show interview on the CBS site that one of his fears was "fat people," so I think you know that they've both been intimate with the recumbent bicycles at their local Bally's Total Fitness. They tell us that they both have "Type-A personalities" as we see them run in the surf. Oh, the flirtatious horseplay of the sinewy and well-toned! Suddenly, I feel the urge for a protein shake. She perkily says that, "hopefully," they'll still get married after they've done the race together. Well, I hope so, too. The world needs more children who are really cut.

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Amazing Race




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