Amazing Race
Bavaria or Bolivia?

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M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
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Bavarian Creamed

Joey "Fitness" and Danny "Aaaay" themselves on into the beard-bar and pick the guy with the longest beard, thinking that'll be easiest to work with. But then they get a load of the photo they're supposed to make him look like, which shows the beard divided into fat curls in front, the mustache into wagon wheels flanking his cheeks with the tops almost level with his eyes, and the rest of the beard splayed out into two long, horizontal spikes that extend a good two feet out on either side. Good luck with that, guys. And good luck getting on an elevator looking like that, Hans. Danny says it feels a little weird to be messing with another man's beard, but it's for a million dollars. Joey "Fitness" says that with all the hair gel they use on a regular basis, they should do just fine at this task. "Kind of like what I do at home," Danny agrees. Meanwhile, the other beardies waiting patiently for racers to do them up are already downing beers. Can it even be nine-thirty in the morning at this point? Dude, Bavaria rules!

Art and JJ show up and pick a guy with a shorter beard, who according to his "after" photo is supposed to end up with a less extreme version of the facial architecture that Team Jersey is working on. JJ describes this activity as "weird" and "funky," because he and Art aren't experiencing any of these tasks to the fullest unless they're complaining about them.

Kerri and Stacy's strategy of staying with the pack has clearly not worked out, because Stacy's now just driving through town in search of Gustof Zum Rassen while Kerri sits in the back seat trying to figure out how a map works and succeeding only in getting them completely turned around. Stacy gets frustrated enough with her cousin to trigger a commercial break, but after that they throw a U-ey and Kerri says, "If we go straight to the place I'm gonna feel very empowered right now." Too late for that, I think.

At Chez Shave-Already, Dave is explaining to us that they chose their guy because he's jovial and Santa-looking. Indeed, their victim is continually sporting a wide, open-mouthed smile that suggests to me that he's actually been downing beers since they changed trains at Innsbruck. Meanwhile, Art is telling us that JJ, with his backpack full of hair products, knows exactly what to do. Wait, what? I've seen JJ's hair and it might as well be a coat of paint. What's the point of having short hair, especially while traveling, if you need to fuck with it? Team Jersey is still trying to get their guy's side-spikes right. "Taking this guy out to the club after," Danny says, probably because they'll have better luck if their wingman has whiskers that can blind unsuspecting women. More beers are served to the bearders who are still waiting, because maybe the other racers should have gotten here sooner if they didn't want their subject getting up to pee every ten minutes.

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Amazing Race

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