Amazing Race
Are There Instructions On Donkey-Handling?

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Taking out the trash

2:18 AM. Dear Jonathan: Please put a fucking shirt on. Sincerely yours, Trauma Surgeons Of The World, Self-Inflicted Stab Wounds Division. Jonathan says that Team Spazpants is "going back to basics." Jonathan will work in "the air" and Victoria will work on "the ground." Especially when he shoves her and she falls over. Ha ha! What, you don't think stuff about abuse is entertaining? Gee, ME NEITHER. Note to show: You fucked up. Don't fuck up again. It's not cute. It's not funny. Stop telling yourselves it's great TV. It's MUCH less entertaining than Omarosa. It's MUCH less entertaining than fucking Fairplay, and he was the biggest and boring-est shitheel in history. You made me no longer look forward to what was my favorite show for three years. I'm not a babe in the woods on this stuff, and I've tolerated plenty of assholes without complaint. But abusive husbands, whether verbally or physically or emotionally or all three, no matter how revolting the personalities of their wives, are OFF-LIMITS. ALWAYS. You dig? Good. Now I won't have to say it YET AGAIN. On with the show; let's have fun!

2:51 AM, Hayden and Aaron. Now how is that possible? How are they half an hour behind Spazpants when there was all that business about the teams spotting each other while running to the pit stop? Was all the stuff about seeing each other shipped in from some other sequence? Because...what? Anyway, Aaron good-naturedly notes that they have no money. Hayden has no good nature to spare, so she says nothing on the mat. She does voice over, however, that they'll be remaining "positive," which makes a lot of sense, considering that we've pretty much conclusively established that losing your money, like everything else that goes on in the first 45 minutes, has been carefully planned out so that it never makes a damn bit of difference. At the hotel, they run into Nuance, who tells them that the price of the ferry is apparently 120 euros.

And then it is night, and then it is morning, and Hayden and Aaron are headed off for an early start on their begging. Hayden pronounces "beg" in a slightly California-esque way, so of course, because he's pissed off at her and grammar is as good a nitpick as any, Aaron corrects her that it should be a clean "beg" rather than something that sounds like "bag." "I know how to say...Aaron, don't be an ass," she says. Oh, big whoop, girl. I know how to say that, too. They walk up to a table and start asking people for money. They get a little from one person, a little from another, and a little from a lady in a pink blouse who holds up her palm all, "Beg from the hand"...it's basically the same dull panhandling sequence we've seen before. They should really get rid of this rule, because never has an interesting plot development come of it. It's just tiresome. Aaron does try gamely to add some excitement by pointing out that they were really embarrassed by having to beg. Other teams arrive at the ferry as Hayden and Aaron continue begging. There is an attempt to create suspense about whether or not Hayden and Aaron will make the ferry, but...have I mentioned that it clearly won't matter anyway? At any rate, they continue begging. And -- what do you know? Everyone gets on the ferry, including Hayden and Aaron. He says they were "so pumped." They actually continue begging on the boat, getting some more money for, presumably, food and such. Because once you get into the pathos groove, you just can't stop.

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Amazing Race

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