Amazing Race

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M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
Can You Digue It?

Brandy and Carol land, and Carol votes for tortoise. "Okay, let's go," Brandy shrugs resignedly as though she means, "It's your funeral." Dude, it's fine.

The brothers' ox has some speed, as opposed to the one that Miss Team USA is stuck with. Jordan of course wants to name it, and decodes to call it "Box, for our didsters." "Didsters?" Afterwards, Jordan explains that this was in honor of their dad, who owns a packaging company but modestly says he makes boxes for a living. I'm fine if my son turns out gay, even as gay as Jordan, but if he ever calls me "Didsters" on national television there's going to be a discussion.

Jet and Cord decide to go with ox, figuring it'll be faster than the turtle. Meanwhile, Louie and Michael start loading up coconuts. "We control our own destiny, right?" Michael says. Keep telling yourselves that.

Carol and Brandy arrive at the tortoise race course, and make note of the abandoned backpacks lying on the ground. They pick the tortoise that they think looks most active, but once Carol opens the chute, it doesn't seem interested in the fruit at all. "We can not switch tortoises, either, "Carol says, now that it's too late. How ironic that it's the lesbians who learn that not every creature can be enticed by waving a banana in its face.

Jet and Cord join the coconut loading task, and Jet says it's like being at home, only they load feed, "instead of whatever these things are." Not many coconuts in Oklahoma, I take it.

Allie and Steve make it to the fruit stand first, and the Damon Wayans-looking merchant hands them their clue. "Hit the waves!" Allie reads from it. "Swim to one of the marked schooners." Good thing they're already right by the harbor, with a number of boats anchored a few dozen yards offshore. Phil explains that each team will ride its own boat to a place near St. Pierre Island, and the captain will give them their next clue. Steve and Allie wade and swim and climb aboard their boat, which starts up as soon as they're both on board. As the stuntmen learned a couple of seasons ago, boat pilots on the Amazing Race do not do luggage checks.

Brent and Caite are still moving slowly, and realize that the brothers are approaching behind them. Jordan tells Box to pass them. Which Box does. Anything to not be called "Box" any longer than I have to, Box thinks. "We have the slowest ox out here," Brent complains. But then theirs probably isn't crapping in their faces, as the brothers' is once again doing. "Ew, that's a wet one. Don't wag your tail!" Jordan tells Box. They get to the fruit stand and get their clue in second place. But when Brent and Caite finally get there, wanting their clue, the merchant takes one look at their cart and says, "It's not enough coconuts." Obviously the fruit merchant has been in touch with the producers at the other end of the course, because how much fun would it be if he had to unload all the coconuts and count them before sending them back? Okay, a little fun. Caite is clearly not in the mood for this kind of fun, though: "What the f-- what are you talking about? We did the whole pile!" she protests. The merchant insists it's not enough. Meanwhile, Dana and Jordan are heading down the beach to the boat. Spotting them from theirs, Allie asks her dad, "Wait, why do they have their backpacks?" Uh, because they're on the Amazing Race and you carry all your possessions on your back? "Our backpacks are gone," Steve says. Allie is horrified, and we get to enjoy an amusing shot of their turtle enjoying his banana next to their abandoned luggage. He's like, "I tried to tell them, dude. This banana is awesome, though." Meanwhile, Brent is so pissed at the fruit merchant that he says, "I quit, then." Steve holds up their Amazing Purse to show Allie that they at least have their money and passports and can go on if they need to, but Allie says, "I can't do that. I really want my backpack back." Steve asks her if she wants to go back. And back on shore, Brent quits three times more. It's a double-cliffhanger!

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Amazing Race




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