Secrets And Lies

Episode Report Card
Djb: F | 1 USERS: A+
There's Brilliant But Cancelled. And Then There's Whatever This Is
Sick-ass props to Red Snapper, without whom this recap would only have existed at a future time when this show was archived at the Museum of Television and Radio in the year of Not So Fast, Jerry, A.D. Strum strummity strum goes The Acoustic Guitar Of It's-Not-Sex-It's-Lovemaking, as we join Adam Roam "If You Want To, Roam Around The World" and "I'm Not A" Jew-el "But I Play One On TV" Goldman in the throes of whatever kind of sex it is where you lose your virginity by gingerly placing your hand on the back of someone else's neck. A gauzy lens is Vaselined (which, considering the act said lens purports to capture, could probably have been used to better effect, somehow) to such excess that I'll never have chapped lips again just having watched this sequence, and, just beyond, Roam-eo and Jew-liet are entangled in a makeshift fort's worth of satiny, supple sheets. Passion: high. Thread count: higher. Adam has left his cross on in case Jew-liet becomes a vampire, and Jewel has left some rings on because religious iconography is for suckers and Catholics and people from Churchania. The deed having been briefly alluded to in as Red Shoe Diaries a way as possible, (twelve thousand) pillow(s) talk ensues immediately following, Jew-liet lying on her stomach as the sheets are elegantly rumpled and the breeze blows slightly and, I'm sure, the gauzy curtains are blowing ever so slightly in a perfect re-creation of exactly what it would be like to lose one's virginity on the set of the video for "It's All Coming Back to Me." Jew-liet asks of Adam, "Tell me a secret." Adam runs a hand down Jew-liet's face and buys time while considering the options: "I think we should just be friends"? "My father doesn't work for the Streets Department but he also isn't the District Attorney, but a KILLER ROBOT"? "I'm not naturally this hairless, but I mean, really, what man is, am I right"? In Adam's silence, Jew-liet clarifies the question: "Tell me something you've never told anyone else." Oh, I'm sorry. No wonder he's still silent, seeing as her question was, apparently, "Define the word 'secret' no wait I'll do it for you." Evasive still, Adam fixes Jew-liet with his bedroom eyes -- admittedly more situationally appropriate than fixing her with his "Ballroom Eyes" or his "Conservatory Eyes," though either would work in this live-model Clue house. Anyway, Adam's response: "I love you." Thanks, Adam. We love you too. We look forward to seeing you in a performance venue that actually showcases your talent. Such as, say, actual porn. Jew-liet has the comeback at the ready: she loves him more. No but he loves HER more. No but she loves HIM more. No, but...shut up shut up just SHUT UP! Adam wonders aloud, in the most mistaken way possible, if Jew-liet thinks they made a mistake. Her glowing, virgins-are- so-literally-exactly- five-minutes-ago smile falters ever so slightly, and she responds, "No. No, why, do you?" Oh, relax. It's your first time. Everything is supposed to go wrong. Just be glad that your faith in the sanctity of true love is the only thing that got broken. "You're in my house! In my bed!" Jew-liet correctly observes, her panic growing and the ratings shrinking and Leon's getting laaaaaaaaarger. Adam -- all but plugging in a giant neon arrow with glowing words reading "This way to the segue!" with an arrow pointing into the next scene -- promises, "Nobody knows I'm here." By the way, for the first time ever, I transferred this entire episode onto my computer and I'm currently recapping this episode at a brand-new Starbucks three blocks from my house. The window on which this soft-core porn was unspooling caught the eye of a middle-aged Italian Catholic woman and totally made her just get up from the next table and leave. Guess she didn't see the cross.

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