Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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Monty Ashley: B- | Grade It Now!
The Fearsome Foursome

We open in an outdoor flower market or something. Belle talks about agendas and there's a convoluted analogy I don't want to bother with. Here's her point: when four people are having sex at the same time, it gets complicated. I bet! It seems like you'd need a choreographer or something. Maybe there will be a guest appearance by Mia Michaels! Oh, and Belle steals an apple.

After the credits, Belle is turning down Ben flat. Whatever it is, she's against it! It turns out that Belle needs a partner for some job and Ben thinks he can do it. This would be a pretty good start to a heist movie, wouldn't it? Anyway, Ben thinks he's pretty good at having sex, but Belle doesn't think he can do it professionally. Like, while wearing a tie?

She emphasizes that her job is not easy and that there's more involved than he thinks. He claims that he just wants to see for himself if her job is as safe as she's said it is. She points out that he's meant to be getting married soon, and it looks like that's part of the reason he wants to do it. She turns him down flat.

Speaking of flats, we're in Belle's now. (You like that transition? I worked on it for a good fifteen seconds!) She tells us that most girls who do "couple work" have a standard partner. She browses the Internet, classifying men as "gay" or "amateur". Then she's in a restaurant booth interviewing men. Well, just one men, but he's got a lot going on. For one, he's extremely skeevy. For another, he claims to have twelve inches. And then there's the way he raises his eyebrows as he licks away a milk moustache. I bet he thinks he's being sensual when he does that. I just think he should have shaved.

Ben arrives at Belle's flat, wearing a nice suit and asking about the "vacancy". She asks him what he thinks will be involved, and he speculates that there will be sex, as well as watching. She tells him that the couple is first-timers who want an anniversary present, so she'll be sleeping with the man and her male partner will be having it off with the woman. She grills him on whether someone who's engaged should be off having sex, but he claims to be able to separate his sex life and his emotions. Ha! Take that, Hannah-Belle! Then he compliments her and tells her that she should let people help her. He ends with "I can handle it if you can", which seems like a classic mistake.

Belle prepares Ben for the sex, which is a process that involves a great deal of primping. And some wax. Oh, and Belle made 105,000 pounds last year, while Ben only made 35 grand. She points out that she has a lot of expenses. It costs a lot to be Belle! It also costs a lot to be Ben. Poor Ben.

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Secret Diary of a Call Girl




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