Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: B- | Grade It Now!
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Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Her refrigerator contains champagne and olives. However, her bathroom has a case with enough shaving cream and toothbrushing supplies to, um, supply a herd of elephants? See, because they're large and hairy and also have big teeth? Look, I realize it isn't that great a joke. Get off my back! Anyway, Belle tries to find enough food to provide breakfast, but Tim has noticed all those massage oils in the bathroom. He's figured out that she must be a professional. A professional masseuse! Good eye, Tim.

A little later, Belle is on the phone to Ben, frantically whispering that the man she slept with last night won't leave. And she can't just say his time is up because she didn't charge him! Ben isn't as sympathetic as he could be, basically laughing, saying, "Oh dear!" and hanging up. Later still, Tim is nosing through her CDs and wants to know where they'll be having lunch. Belle claims to have things to do, like... her carpet. Oh really? You're not just saying names of things you see, are you?

Finally, Ben shows up claiming to be her fiancé. Then he sits next to Tim on the couch. Very close to Tim. As he puts his arm around Tim, we cut to Tim leaving. Bye, Tim!

Ben would like to know if Belle is going amateur, and if so, is it just so she can have sex in the Olympics? I like that joke. Anyway, Belle had to get rid of Tim because he was too normal. She claims to love what she does and that Ben owes her a tenner. She's going back to work, providing she can find clients who haven't read that bad review. Ben says that he used to think he knew her, but now realizes that she likes Marmite. She what? Oh, yuck. I'm not just being American here; I've tried that stuff and I'm prepared to say that all spreads ending in "-mite" are weird and gross. Sorry, Australians. I still love you!

At night, Belle is reading a book when she gets a call from her agent, who says "Turns out, one man's shit sandwich really is another man's crème brûlée." Wait, what? I think I may have been making it wrong, then. I was using eggs, cream and sugar. Silly me! Anyway, the agent says that her phone's been ringing off the hook with requests for Belle. She has Martin, a 35-year-old corporate lawyer. Belle does not accept until she threatens to leave the agency if there's a repeat of the previous client. But accept she does, and we learn that her new clients are because she got a great review from... Ben. Not that big a surprise, really. He took the opportunity to tell her future clients to treat her with respect, which is a good idea.

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Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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