Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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Monty Ashley: B | Grade It Now!
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All Night Long (All Niiiight!)

We open on Belle going to a clearly labeled London Sex Shop to pick up bags and bags of supplies. Then she tells us why she uses black cabs instead of whatever the other choice is in London. Everything in her purse, she tells us, is important. But the only essential thing is this: She holds up a fist. But I think she's trying to draw our attention to her watch. We go to the credits on this: "A lot can happen on an all-nighter."

Getting out of the cab, Belle explains a thing called "The Girlfriend Experience". Her clients are looking for intimacy and exclusivity, which seems like a difficult thing to expect from even the highest class of escort. Tonight's client is Ash, who was her first client ever. They banter comfortably, he accusing her of not brushing her hair, and her mocking his suit. She returns a book he loaned her (Philip Roth's The Human Stain), although it doesn't look like it's ever been opened.

Ash goes off to get a drink while Belle tells us that he's married but his wife hasn't had sex with him in five years. More small talk follows and it's time to head upstairs for room service. Belle smirks a little. She tells us that she's getting 1500 pounds and that her game plan is to give him an orgasm as quickly as possible and then "pace out the rest of the evening". Ash comes out of the shower, and Belle goes to her knees. The music has kind of a "Girl from Ipanema" quality to it.

With that out of the way, Belle reclines on the bed, resting her red high heels on Ash's naked butt. "One orgasm down, ten hours to go," she says, which sounds like a line from a bad movie trailer. Ash orders the room service and Belle climbs on top of him and things get all blurry. As usual on this show, they're making out with the curtains open and a big panoramic view of London behind them. The way this show makes it look, any time you're in London, you should bring along a pair of binoculars because gorgeous prostitutes are getting it on all over the place without shutting the curtains first.

Later (again), Ash and Belle are lounging around in hotel robes making small talk. Whoosh! Cut to Belle holding a ruler and wearing a mortarboard, because it's time for The Three Rules of Conversation in the Escort-Client Relationship. She does like her rules, doesn't she? Rule One is "Keep it light", and the example we're given is that one should not ask your client if global warming will inevitably lead to an apocalypse. Rule Two: "No politics" (something about the Northern Vote). And Rule Three, possibly the most important: "No inflammatory topics", which in this case includes any sentence that begins "Does your wife know you like to..."

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Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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