You're Way Too Pretty To Go To Jail

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Cindy McLennan: N/A | Grade It Now!
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

A lot happens in "You're Way Too Pretty To Go To Jail," so let's get right to it, shall we? We open in Paris, at night. Shiv is suddenly showing (in a pregnancy way, not in a "show, don't tell," way). Tyler Boytoy comes to her room with flowers and apologizes for being a...Ugh. Due to the current level of our national discourse, I've been trying not to use words as a feminine connotation as slurs, but he just up and says one. What to do? What to do?

Tyler: Cindy, I got this. I apologize for being a jealous douchebag when Siobhan's brother took the call. Lying naked. In her bed. Why would I not believe my angel baby mama? I just want to take care of our family.

Shiv: Muahaha. Did you bring the goods on Andrew?

Tyler: Here's a folder full. The consistent rate of return is suspicious, but it's not a smoking gun.

Shiv: I totally hid that smoking gun...um never mind that. I have a flash drive full of numbers that look totally different.

Tyler: Great, let's go right to the authorities.

Shiv: But that would interfere with my other evil plans to get all Andrew's money before the feds seize it.

Tyler: What?

Shiv: I mean, the flash drive isn't here, silly, and certainly not in the purse where I just stowed that folder. Verily, I say to you, I locked the flash-drive in the hotel safe.

Tyler (to audience): Does she think I'm a Tool Belt, or something?

Audience: Well...

Shiv: Here's a book of baby names. Let's just concentrate on the three of us, tonight.

Recapper: First of all, Shiv, don't you mean "four of us"? You are pregnant with twins...

Shiv: Sydney, or whatever your name is, since neither of the babies are Tyler Boytoy's, by using "three of us" I'm actually lying to him -- less.

Recapper: Those are some impressive moral gymnastics. I'm still laughing like a loon at the title of your baby name book, though. Designer Labels. Really?

Shiv: Candy, you're such a peasant.

Recapper: It's Cindy, Bad Buffy.

Shiv: Sorry, Cathy.

Meanwhile in New York, it is also night. Andrew is still explaining the Ponzi scheme to Bridget-as-Shiv. Olivia handles the details, but it was all his idea. They made a series of bad investments. There wasn't enough to cover expenses. He used new investors' money to pay out existing investors. It was supposed to be temporary, but then they economy collapsed. They got in over their heads. However, he's now started a high frequency trading (HFT) program. They can use the extra profit to dig their way out of this hole.

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