Episode Report Card
Kelsea Stahler: A- | 69 USERS: B+
Death Becomes Her
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Revenge’s mid-season finale began just like every other wedding episode: With a plot against the bride’s future mother-in-law that somehow involves a sizable vial of blood. Ah, young love.

But first, for some romantic rupturing: Conrad finds Lydia’s journal, handwritten by the local middle school’s brattiest 12-year-old, among their mountains of pre-coital clothing and thinks she’s on a mission to spill all his secrets. Lydia admits that she was working with Margaux, but says that she backed out. (See also: Margaux kicked her to the curb.) Conrad -- the king of instant decisions -- kicks Lydia out, forcing her to leave with nothing but the New Year’s Eve photo of Emily as a cater waiter.

After he breaks Lydia off, Conrad becomes Emily’s mercenary against Victoria, if only because he and V are in a long-term round of The Opposite Game. Emily musters up some glittery tears over the fact that her child may grow up without his or her grandmother, and Conrad vows to help her make her wedding day "perfect." Of course, he also offers up his presence as her replacement father -- a factor that may account for the ease with which she created those effective tears.

Meanwhile, Daniel is at Voulez finishing up a few things before throwing on a tux for the wedding. Ah, the easy plight of the groom. Sarah is there giving an interview on the wedding cake, and apparently something good has come out her ordeal: the publicity is getting her more gigs. Daniel tries to apologize, but she says he can’t fix everything and storms out. Perhaps visiting the love of your life who just dumped you wasn’t such a good idea, girlie.

In order to help out his new "daughter," Conrad brings Patrick back from Manhattan exile. Victoria is ecstatic but soon realizes that Patrick is a carrot leading her to Conrad’s demands. He wants her to attend all wedding-related activities. And for once, Conrad makes a pretty solid point. He’ll support Patrick if Victoria will support her other son on his wedding day. Victoria is resistant because this stubbornness is all she has left, but doe-eyed Patrick begs her to agree to the deal for the sake of the family he just got back. That’d be sweet if we didn’t know he was capable of cutting the brakes on someone’s car because he thinks they’re "mean."

With Victoria’s attendance secured, Emily, Aidan, and Nolan can back to the master plan, so like a villain at the end of a cheesy action movie, he lays it out. They bought a gun in Victoria’s name and got residue on her wedding party bracelet -- the evidence is in place. Once the family gets on the boat to their family honeymoon in Nantucket, they’ll play a slideshow for everyone as a distraction. Emily will spill champagne on Victoria, which will force her to go to her stateroom, where Aidan will temporarily lock her in. Emily will slip out and pour her own blood on the deck, fire two fake shots, jump into the water, and swim to a buoy with scuba gear. Aidan will then let Victoria out, leaving her without an alibi during Emily’s "murder," and without being seen (by a boat of panicking people rattled by gunshots) he’ll escape to meet Emily on the beach. Em and Aidan are sure that Victoria will promptly arrested and that she’ll take down Conrad in her attempt to save her own neck. Wait, is this grand plan really hinging on Victoria doing the Conrad take down? Lazy, revenge-kins. L-A-Z-Y.

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