Royal Blood

Episode Report Card
Sara Brady: C+ | 14 USERS: C+
Ain't Got No Future or Family Tree
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Reign: So many things happened! Clarissa the not-ghost is the disfigured illegitimate first daughter of Evil Anne of Green Gables, whom Sexy Nostradamus rescued and hid in the castle. Mary leveraged her claim on the English throne to get King Henry to replace Francis as his heir with Bash, even though Bash has some pagan skeletons in his closet that could get everyone burned at the stake. Francis fucked off like a tiny crying baby. And Henry plans to have Evil Anne executed for treason and adultery.

Clarissa, barefoot, rambles around Evil Anne's empty bedchamber in broad daylight. She rummages through a keepsake box and finds locks of hair belonging to Evil Anne's kids. A servant couple stumbles in to get their rocks off in the queen's temporarily empty bed; Clarissa hides herself behind a screen.

Stable. Mary finds Bash, who's just come back from a ride. She's all tarted up in her crown and her ermine (she looks like a Madame Alexander doll) and frets that they haven't heard back from the Vatican about legitimizing Bash. He's confident the Vatican will eventually agree to legitimize him so they can get married, because Bash has read The Secret rather than anything about the history of Catholicism. Mary moves on to worrying about the wee princes, Charlie and Henry III, and how sad they are about becoming wretched motherless bastards. She wants to take them to a fair in town, and Bash simpers about how good and sweet she is.

In the carriage, Mary explains to Charlie and HenriƱo they'll get candy and see a puppet show and get to play with other children as Charlie sighs wanly about how Papa doesn't like them mingling with commoners. He asks if they'll get to see their mother before she's executed. Maybe people should stop discussing that in the nursery?!

The carriage suddenly encounters a line of people from the village, who recognize the princes (or the crest on the carriage) and holler, "Death to Queen Catherine and her line!" They start rocking the carriage, trying to upset it.

The wench who was getting nailed in Evil Anne's room is putting her skirts to rights when she notices the open keepsake box on the queen's dressing table. She runs around looking for whoever might have seen her getting it on; she's afraid of being blamed if someone has stolen from Evil Anne. Clarissa pops out from behind a curtain and chokes the maid to death, as if we needed confirmation that Clarissa is crazy.

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