Episode Report Card
Sara Brady: C | 33 USERS: A-
Always a Bastard, Never a Bride
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Reign: Sexy Nostradamus prophesied that Mary's wedding to Francis would cause Francis's death; Diane schemed to put Bash on the throne; Italian count Vincent tried to kidnap Francis; and after Mary and Evil Anne of Green Gables foiled him, Mary and Francis hit it… hard.

The morning after. Mary and Francis wakes up all shirtless and sandy-mouthed and he's all, "Don't run off to try to salvage your tattered reputation!" Mary giggles and asks if he thinks they're being reckless. Girl, this is the kind of thing that gets ladies beheaded and shit. At least you're a Queen. Francis hopes he got Mary up the stick, as that will make Henry hurry with the wedding, and then murmurs some shit about their great-grandchildren, just as he gives Mary her 47th hickey.

A page knocks on the door, with a message from THE POPE. Such a boner killer. There's a cardinal from Rome visiting, so Francis needs to stop deflowering virgins and put on some knickers and go make a good impression. The page doesn't say anything about the naked queen trying to hide in Francis's bed, because he values his head.

The King coddles Kenna, who has a scabby lip, but isn't feeling so poorly that she can't bitch at him about how he hasn't left Diane like he promised. Henry agrees with us all that Kenna is basically the Mona Lisa Saperstein of this castle and exasperatedly replies that the reason the servants have seen Diane in his room is because she's his friend and his counselor and OH, ALSO, SHE'S BEEN HIS LOVER SINCE HE WAS FIFTEEN. Kenna bitches about how Vincent's soldiers almost raped her to death because she was the King's woman, and they wouldn't have known that if you didn't blather it all over the place, would they? Henry reluctantly mutters that he's not "capable…of exclusivity," which is a conclusion more medieval monarchs should have come to, ahem, Mary's great-uncle Henry. While Kenna cries, he tells her he's keeping Diane. Obviously, because Diane is a boss.

Bash finds his mother in a castle corridor and asks her if the cardinal visiting from the Vatican has anything to do with her attempts to legitimize him. He grits his teeth that he doesn't want Francis's job, and Diane incisively asks if he's sure, because the job comes with Francis's woman.

Francis and Mary, significantly more clothed now, stride into the hallway. Since this is the late Middle Ages, I'm sure they just reek. Like, Mary, was it too much to ask that you rinse your mouth after doing that? Diane reminds Bash that Mary will marry the next king of France. He says that's no way to get a woman, and she sniffs that it worked for Francis.

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