Rear Window

Episode Report Card
Sara Brady: B | 29 USERS: B+
Dirty Laundry
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Reign: Mary and Francis got married, then had sex. Henry made Bash watch, and then booted him out of the castle. Soldiers -- possibly hired by Francis or Evil Anne -- tried to kill Bash, but failed.

Some time later (because it's snowing), Mary and Francis return from their honeymoon. Neither of them is delighted to be returning to court. Mary, in fact, dreads it, even though Francis assures her all their earlier problems (Nostradamus's visions, Evil Anne, Bash) have dispersed.

In the throne room, Henry and Evil Anne greet the Archduke of Bohemia and his sister. The goal of today's diplomatic negotiations is avoiding a war, since a French ship fired on a Bohemian one. Henry says it was an accident; the archduke doesn't really believe him. As Evil Anne says France is so, so sorry, Henry makes sex eyes at Kenna while Cecilia (that would be Sister Archduke) makes sex eyes at Henry.

Later, Henry and Kenna discuss how he's supposed to be presenting her with acceptable suitors. The last few were rubbish, so now Henry's throwing the archduke at her. The only problem is that the archduke will want a virgin bride. Kenna makes a little squeak of dismay, but Henry assures her that he'll make sure no one at court mentions her amorous experiences. Henry introduces Kenna and Archduke Ferdinand, then excuses himself to flirt with Cecilia. Kenna plays bashful -- she's terrible at it.

Francis and Mary arrive back at court with a trumpet fanfare. Greer observes that they look happy, which is 16th century code for "ya got sex hair, ya got it from him, girl." Mary bubbles over with enthusiasm about how they've been humping like bunnies all over France and when she came up for air, she had time to find boyfriends for everyone! Hey, what happened to Greer's kitchen man wench? Is there just a pit of discarded men out back of Fontainebleu? Lola stares at Francis awkwardly.

Evil Anne greets the blushing bride, then immediately drags her son away for a word. She tells him Bash didn't make it to Spain, which shocks him. It seems he legitimately intended those guards to take Bash to a ship in Spain. Evil Anne informs him of the guards' deaths, but confirms that Bash's body wasn't found. Henry's men are looking for him.

Bash has taken himself to the tundra, it seems. He's going all Natty Bumppo across a snowy landscape, armed with a crossbow, but he's not paying quite close enough attention, because some wannabe Katniss Everdeen tackles him and then points out that he nearly blundered into her boar trap. And while he calls himself a tracker, he's actually a complete idiot, because the trap was covered with leaves…in a clearing surrounded by evergreens. Der.

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