Love, Bullets And Blacktop

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Lady Lola: B+ | Grade It Now!
Love, Bullets And Blacktop

The Stooges drive around listening to "Radar Love," the official men's "bad-ass on the road" song. They're gearing up for a night on the town, and JBL, for one, is mighty impressed with himself. So much so that he's thinking about touching himself (I can't make this stuff up). Sam respectfully requests, "Not in my car please." They scan the radio, but "Radar Love" is on every station. Ben says the Devil may be trying to tell Sam to work, but JBL would rather focus on how to get Sam laid tonight. Moreover, he forbids Sam from referencing Andi.

Their boys' night entails going to a club that -- aside from some tapestries -- looks exactly like their usual bar (same beer mugs, even). Hot chicks strut, douches shoot pool, and The Stooges do the same drinking and sitting around as always, only now with more 50% more "Radar Love!" Sam kvetches about meeting women, so JBL decides to jumpstart the night by humping the juke box as he plays a song featuring the refrain "giddy-up, horsey." Zooey Deschanel Lite enters the frame and starts dancing with him, followed by a smattering of bachelorette-party drunkies.

Shots are poured, and The Drunkettes bring the umbrella drinks and appletinis to The Stooges' table. A blondie saunters over to Sam, sits down, looks entirely too intensely into his eyes, and plants one on him. Everyone giggles like junior highers at their first make-out party. Blondie follows up the kiss, saying, "I've had, like, seven Long Island iced teas." Her name is Taylor; they exchange numbers. JBL picks up on the impressive disinhibiting effects of alcohol and decides to get ZDL some more shots.

ZDL dares JBL to dance like a stripper. Everyone's game for a lap dance, but JBL -- who backed it up to the jukebox not ten minutes ago -- throws a mini- tantrum, screaming, "I'm not your monkey!" ZDL moves on to Ben, but Ben says he can't dance for free or he'll lose his union card. Ha! Then it's on Sam, who claims he has a trick knee. The Drunkettes realize that the lameness of these guys is insurmountable, even though they've slathered themselves in social lubricant, so they split. The Stooges end the night alone, surrounded by empty glasses.

The next day at The Bench, Sam opens the vessel box. Inside, he finds an 8-track called "Love, Bullets, & Blacktop." JBL asks about Taylor, but Sam says he's not her type (i.e. she's not Andi) and quickly refocuses on the vessel. It's the soundtrack to a '70s flick. The first track is -- you got it! -- "Radar Love." Sam says it's a sign since he keeps hearing that song. Ben suggests he listen to the 8-track to figure it out.

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