Real Housewives of New Jersey
Zen Things I Hate About You

Episode Report Card
Potes: B | 8 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Crooked Dicks and Clean Hearts

Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Fucking Penny ruined everything, including my retinas. Teresa tried really hard to make herself look innocent of any involvement in Melissa Gorga infidelity-gate 2013, which only made her look guiltier. And Wyatt the equine therapist was a genius among humans and horses, getting Juicy to admit he's afraid of going to the clink with a mere squint of his craggly yet kind eyes.

We enter at the Miraval Resort, where the cast members seem generally amiable on the last night of their trip. Jacqueline is enjoying being around a nominally bearable Teresa, and says that even though Tre did her dirty in the past, she really wants to focus on moving forward. Caroline decides to interrupt this lovely peaceful moment by saying that they've all been in the position to raise their glasses and celebrate friends and family before, then screamed at one another on various reunion shows and made Andy Cohen concerned for his physical well being in the process. She suggests that anyone who has anything left to say do so now, so that their heart is clean. I thought their hearts were always covered in red sauce?

Never one to forego drama, Joe Gorga says that he's not happy with Teresa, bringing up the Penny situation and the allegations of infidelity on Melissa's part. He wonders why they have enemies who they don't even know saying stuff about them that was unknown to the public. Teresa wonders if Joe is alleging that she was telling his secrets, and he affirms that he is indeed accusing her of that very thing. Once again Teresa insists that she has nothing to do with the whole thing, and Juicy jumps in to say that Teresa wouldn't try to hurt Joe in a million years. Joe wants to put the Penny thing to an end, Teresa yells that she isn't going to give Penny the attention, and then Joe throws a glass against the wall. How's that for a clean heart?

The screen then goes black and reads, "12 hours earlier…" As it happens, 12 hours ago it was Melissa's birthday morning and Joe was trying to hump her, just like any other morning. Teresa walks in on Joe massaging Melissa's feet and her saying that she likes to have her toes sucked. I included all that in case you haven't vomited yet today. If that didn't do it, I am here to tell you that Teresa gives Melissa a pair of lacy black panties with a peace sign on them as a birthday gift. Melissa seems as puzzled about that as we are. Teresa talks to Melissa and Joe about beginning to really make amends with Jacqueline, and Melissa hopes this new trend of openness and honesty might lead to Teresa coming clean about her part in the cheating rumors. And then they can all move on, which they are clearly so great at doing.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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