Real Housewives of New Jersey

Episode Report Card
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This is Why People Hate America

Oh Teresa, your bubbies look as large as advertised. Three generations of Teresa's family are gathered in her carport making red sauce. Because nothing gives that special flavor to the Italian classic like proximity to motor oil and tarps. Teresa, her mother, and her three daughters are all armed and attacking jumbo storage buckets from the Container Store filled with tomatoes. They plan on making 180 jars of red sauce, which should last the entire year. Undoubtedly this will be an important detail when Danielle "accidentally" backs into Teresa's garage during one of her door-to-door Bible studies and Teresa's family starves to death due to red sauce shortage. Teresa is enormously pregnant with her fourth child, so vag shots during Teresa's birth are definitely something to look forward to during sweeps.

Then out of the blue, Teresa bellows to some twentysomething girl, "You got your time of the month?" The girl doesn't even blush when she shouts back that Teresa's dad already asked and no. What the fuck kind of family is this? Are there hungry bears lurking around Franklin Lakes and the Giudices are going to use the girl as bait so they can whip up some black bear in their red sauce? Teresa sort of explains that Italians think if a girl is on her period she will ruin the tomatoes and can't make red sauce. I would mock this except that it is probably true. Not, like, THE SCIENCE, but the Italian belief. My brother has lived in Italy for years and when my niece was born and you would wander the streets with her all you would get would be earfuls from old ladies explaining exactly how you are killing the baby by: a) not wearing a hat, b) wearing a hat, c) wearing a too tight hat, d) no socks. Also, they are convinced that air conditioning in a gym will kill you dead so none of their gyms are air conditioned and, hence, smell like ...well, pretty much what you would expect an un-air conditioned gym to smell like.

Gia, Teresa's 8-year-old daughter, is very excited by learning more about her heritage, because it will give her good material for this year's American Teen Princess competition. Teresa's mom encourages Gia to also include this skill in her dowry, because obviously she is going to marry a nice Italian man. Teresa would prefer Gia went Jewish, because apparently Jewish men bow to their wives. LOOK IT UP PEOPLE, IT'S IN THE TORAH. Teresa's husband who looks for all the world like a brick wall draped in Ed Hardy looks hurt by this revelation. Didn't he buy her the nicest granite and marble? What else does a girl need? Gia rebuts this anyway, because she "doesn't want to marry a Jewish man". They all have earlocks and hats or something. Teresa shushes her before she can spew any more adorably anti-Semitic crap on national television and ruin her chances at a Sash and a Crown, but undoubtedly spawn a bright YouTube career.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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