Real Housewives of New Jersey

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This is Why People Hate America

Do you remember anything from last season before the awesome table tossing prostitution whore incident? Me neither. Except for some really fucking ugly furniture. And bubbies. Everything else is kind of a blank. So with this tabula rasa let's start the season, eh?

We start out with Jacqueline who during the hiatus has finally gotten pregnant after her four miscarriages and on-camera tears. She apparently has a scheduled C-section like most of the B-Listers and delivers a beautiful bouncing baby boy named Nicholas. His birth brings the family unity and clarity of FAMILY VALUES that was missing before when all the drug mule-ing and whoring with the enemy rumors got in the way. So now that they are family again, Caroline is coming around and holding the baby and shit and bringing a bowl of pasta and that means FAMILY.

So Dina is a kreepy kat lady who shaves her cat into a walking topiary because that is what klassy kat ladies do. Apparently Dina's house was vandalized or at least her mailbox may have gotten egged, during the hiatus. Obviously Teresa blames Danielle for compelling her minions to start chucking poultry products at the Manzo sisters.

Danielle starts the season by reminding us that she is a devout Catholic in case we had forgotten that amid all the arrests, table throwing, and Botox. Not that Botox is forbidden by the Ten Commandments or anything. I mean did you see Charlton Heston in his later days? Definitely got a little something something. Danielle needs to go speak to a priest, not for absolution or talk therapy, because she is apparently untroubled by the shit storm flying around her like she's some sort of hussyfied Pig Pen. No, no, Danielle has sought clerical advice, because she wants to LEARN TO PRAY for her Real Housewives sisters. No, this does not mean she wants to be around them or invite them to spa parties or oversized French manicures unless they want her to (Do you think they want her to? Did you hear something? Is her phone on? She could totally just drive by and see if their home. She could bring Frappuccinos). No, no, she just wants to pray for their souls to be spared eternal damnation. She is a good Catholic woman, she goes to church EVERY SUNDAY. Obviously this was a jailhouse conversion, right? Anyway, the priest in all his priestly wisdom recommends she try forgiving the women for calling her a prostitute, a whore, a prostitution whore, and a whore prostitute. Danielle looks dubious that this is the best option. I remain dubious that she goes to church every Sunday and doesn't sit in the back row filing her nails and texting on her rhinestone bedazzled Sidekick.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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