Real Housewives of New Jersey
True Love, True Lies

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"You & Your Hat: Shut Up."

Caroline: "No, it's just that we were all raised to hate women. Especially ourselves. The fact that you're the smartest person in the room doesn't help, but it's not the main reason."
Gay Brothers: "Well, that and the exhausting cognitive dissonance of pretending we're ever going to be successful in any arena of life, thus justifying Caroline's existence and value as a mother. That's gotta be a burden."
Caroline: "That's part of it too, yeah."


Albie or the other one: "Is that a potato? Or a mushroom?"
Greg: "You honestly don't understand the very simple food in this buffet?"
Whichever one: "No! I need your help with everyday life!"
Juicy: "Nothing I like better than the chance to yell at somebody for being stupid. Move, you whores!"
(Caroline: "I want to eat pork, I enjoy it very much, but I don't want to see the roasted pig it came from. That's a metaphor.")
Everybody: "Let's talk about food and have some drinks and enjoy ourselves!"
Teresa: "Absolutely not if I can help it. I have received a text."

She reads a text to the table that, sic, her "book is on the New Yorks Times Bestsellers." A half-hearted cheer goes up. Jackie crosses her eyes and sips her drink, in her giant hat, and it's delightful; Caroline digs her nails into her palms until blood shoots everywhere. Teresa makes a passive-aggressive speech about how supportive they've all been, and thanks for inviting me to this gay wedding, and calls them all "family." Oh, it's the last one that fucking pushes Caroline over the edge.

Caroline: "Can anybody ever have anything? Anything? It's my brother's wedding. Why does it have to be about you, Teresa, when by all rights it should be about me. And thus, by complaining about that, I end up making it about me. Done."

They toast the couple of the hour, who are still crying, and we talk about how Chicago is gay. Our cast chats about this and that, lets out a few burps, and everybody drinks.

Juicy: "Lovemaking with my wife is so sensual all the time!"


Joe and Rosie are bros, always so confusing and delightful. Apropos of nothing, Melissa sits down to tell us how it is. The real deal about the kind of people they are.

Melissa: "We've always been the party people. We like to keep it classy. But yet sexy at the same time. That's what Joe and I do; that's our motto."

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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