Real Housewives of New Jersey

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The Hills Have Eyes

The tour bus stops and everyone pours onto the streets. Jacqueline warned the old people not to attempt the hill, so even Teresa's parents stay in the bus, which is weird because I think this was their hometown. Maybe they have fears of reprisal for stealing a goat or the sacred recipe to Ragu before fleeing the country 40 years ago. So the young and able climb the hill to Joe's grandma's house. Joe's mood has improved considerably, but Jacqueline, Caroline and Albert all seem much grouchier. Well Albert's just on his phone the whole time which, frankly, is something I can admire.

Danielle goes to meet the private investigator that Jailbird Danny recommended. She explains the facts she has: She exists, she is full of light and peace, she is Italian, Catholic, and her birth mother was 15. That is all the information she has. Danielle sets some boundaries: She doesn't want to find her birth mother if she is on drugs or homeless. Danielle wants her mommy to fix her, not to fix her mommy. This is all about her. Obviously. Bet that birth mother will be thrilled to have Danielle in her life. Maybe she'll want to suckle.

The Giudice family reunion continues with a steady stream of cousins and aunts and uncles to say hello. Caroline is uncomfortable with all the Italian-speakers around her. Her parents left the old country to be American. She speaks English, okay? Inside, the family has a feast laid out, including mozzarella and prosciutto and wine in little plastic glasses. Wine and spaghetti makes Jacqueline happy, but Caroline is still cranky. The tour of the pig slaughterhouse doesn't do much to cheer her up either. Jacqueline and Caroline take a moment to eat some "macaroni" and "gravy" and cheer the fuck up. It almost works, but not as much as heading back to the tour bus. Teresa and Joe try to make up, but Joe wants to yell some more and jokingly threaten her with domestic violence, which is ALWAYS FUNNY. At the end of the day, they drink some wine on the street and Joe sees the balcony he was born on. According to his mother. The balcony. Why not? It has a nice view and a lot of fresh air.

Back in New Jersey, Danielle gets a call from her private investigator. The investigator has a non-update, namely: They put in a request for the court records for the adoption. Fascinating right? I am so happy to be watching this shit. It's simply riveting television. I mean, The Wire has nothing on this drama. Danielle is going to pray on it. She knows God wants her to find her birth mother. Lord knows He's sick of being the only one she turns to. (What? A little heresy goes a long way towards staving off boredom.)

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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