Real Housewives of New Jersey

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The Hills Have Eyes

Back in Italy, it's raining in Naples, and Joe is pretty sure this is Teresa's fault. Chris and Caroline go to wander the streets of Naples with their parents to reminisce about family and family and why the fuck they didn't teach their kids to speak Italian. Then Chris graciously takes them all out to eat at the best restaurant in Naples, which is rumored to have the best pizza in the world. Now I am hungry. Perhaps if I write the hell out of this travelogue someone will send me to Italy to eat. Or I can start wearing heels, change out of my track pants, marry a philandering millionaire, and try and get my own Bravo reality show. Right? Right. Teresa can't wait for the family reunion. No, not the one they brought with them, but the one they are staging tomorrow in Santa Cuntalina. (That's what Caroline said. Don't blame me, I trust the Italian-American on this.) Joe is from the same village and can't wait to climb the 85-degree hill leading up to his grandma's house. Jacqueline thinks a hike with babies and old people is a really bad idea, but no one cares and especially not Teresa. Jacqueline is not amused. I really hope Jacqueline ends up punching her in her babymaker.

Jailbird Danny stops by Danielle's house to break the good news: The Manzos, Giudices and Lauritas are all on vacation! Northern New Jersey is hers! This means only one thing to Danielle: Panini. Apparently during the Great New Jersey Housewife War, Danielle lost the rights to the best Panini. No, auto-correct, I don't want to capitalize Panini. Stop it. Who capitalizes panini? Bill Gates, I guess. Anyway, as she drives, Danielle starts in on how the women have terrorized her to the point that she can't even eat the best panini in New Jersey. Take it to the judge, sister! Clearly you can blame Ashley for this, too. Jailbird Danny tells Danielle that despite the restraining order, he has been hanging out with some of Ashley's friends. What? They came to him! He swears. They all want to help Danielle. Or something. Danielle mutters something about Ashley's "terroristic tendencies", which is something she overheard on Glenn Beck about an al-Qaeda suspect, but totally applies here. Anyway, Danielle's heart is not really in it today, because: panini!

The out-of-towners load into their tour bus, and Joe is worked into a frenzy over the hotel bill and the 650 Euro mini bar bill. At first you don't notice his constant stream of curses, because he is sitting in the back of the bus where all the crazy people sit and it just seems so normal. He is ranting and ranting and you can see the dollar bills adding up in his head and how many pizzas he is going to have to bake and how his wife is going to bankrupt him and how the heck did a ham sandwich cost a thousand dollars? But he's not going to go back to the hotel to complain, no, he's just going to sit in the back of the bus and curse a blue streak much to the joy of the people around him. Then out of the blue he announces: "We're going to Sala Cutalina and we're all going to be civilized!" And that's too much for Caroline, who just starts cracking up laughing at the poor crazy person.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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