Real Housewives of New Jersey

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The Hills Have Eyes

After a brief sight seeing tour. JESUS CHRIST! I'm recapping a fucking vacation video! No one wants to watch a vacation slide show! No one! This is going to read like if Captain Haddock wrote for Hotels.com. Teresa and Joe bring their girls into the luxury suite overlooking Naples. It's a lovely room with gilded beds and a bathroom with two toilets! Or a little sink! Teresa explains it's a bid-uh, oh-bid-uh, bid-oo, JOE! WHAT'S THIS CALLED! Billions of blistering blue barnacles, it's a bidet, you morons! Joe calls it a douche, which is unnecessary. What did that bidet ever do to him? And who is Joe to call anyone a douche in his Burberry sweater, gelled hair, and Axe body spray fog? Meanwhile, in another lovely golden room, Albert is just trying to get some peace and quiet, but Caroline wants to "talk." Well mostly she wants to complain, but she is smart enough to realize the cameras are rolling and Teresa might see if she berates her parenting style. Instead she'll just log on to the UrbanBaby.com message boards and leave anonymous hate mail for breastfeeding working moms. Albert tactfully says that the girls are "special" but could use an "iron hand." Albert wins the diplomacy award! Albert waxes nostalgic about his last trip to Naples and going to see the ruins of Pompeii. Caroline wishes she could see that, but is pragmatic enough to realize that Teresa would make her take at least one of her daughters.

Oh hey, remember Danielle? Remember how this show needed something for her to do now that none of the Manzos will associate with her and even the Kims won't be her fake friends anymore. I mean, if the famewhoring Kims won't even star-fuck you, you've reached a new low, right? I mean, I heard one of the Kims gave Danny Bonaduce a lap dance at a Denny's just on the off chance it would end up on YouTube. Anyway, Danielle needs something to do on this show to justify her existence, so someone crafted the idea that she would try to find her birth mother. She's 47! It's time! Danielle reminds us that Kim G. stabbed her in the "proverbial back" (only in New Jersey do you need to make the distinction) by telling someone who told someone who mentioned it to Danielle's daughter that Danielle might want to find her birth mother. Hence the shriekfest where square-tit accusations were rudely hurled at Danielle across a New Jersey tea salon crowded with Wayne's finest ladies. So now Danielle has to explain to her daughters that she is considering maybe trying to find her birth mother. Christine points out that Teresa and the Manzos don't respect Danielle, which is a very reasonable thing to say. Danielle pats herself on the back for being such a good mother despite having been abandoned by her own mother at birth. She knows her mother risked everything to have her. Ooh, ooh, maybe Danielle is Moses!

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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