Real Housewives of New Jersey
Strip Down Memory Lane

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Strip Sliding Away

This season on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Everyone hated Teresa for TWENTY EPISODES. The end.

And lo, it is the season finale! I am so excited, you guys, I can't even explain it. Of course there is still the 17-part reunion to go, but I haven't felt quite so certain that life is worth living in months! The threat of seeing Kim D. again does add a patina of despair, though. In any case, we enter with that bald dude who was apparently middle management at the place where Melissa allegedly was a stripper saying hi to her at the Posche fashion show. He is the worst actor ever, saying, "I hear this is... uh... Kim's... uhhh... fashion show." How many times do you go to an event and all of a sudden be like, "Oh! I hear this is... uh... Jim and Tammy's... uhhh... wedding." Wouldn't you already know before you got there? Do you just show up and ask around? Anyway, Kathy is getting a bad vibe from the whole situation. She must be psychic! Bald Guy then asks Teresa how she's doing, which is of course a clue that she might be involved somehow in this shit-fuck-fest.

After Bald Guy leaves (What is his NAME? Wait, don't answer that.) Melissa says that she knows she knows him, but can't remember from where. Teresa, whose inability to properly know even rudimentary clich├ęs never fails to impress, says that her heart is "beating 500." Psychic Kathy thinks that maybe it's because she drank too much coffee. The fashion show begins, and I am not exaggerating when I say that the highlight is Lauren saying that she can see a model's twat, and then everyone at the table repeating the word "twat." Jacqueline notices that everyone seems to be having a jolly old time except for Teresa, and suspects that something is awry.

After Kim "Gollum" D. shrieks that everyone is going to dance their asses off, Teresa and Melissa retire to the ladies room. As Melissa innocently applies lip gloss, Teresa breathes heavily and eventually asks who Bald Guy is. Melissa sticks to her story and says she can't quite place him. Teresa in turn asks Melissa to feel her heart, which is obviously a ploy to get Melissa to touch her boobs. After many a feel is copped, Teresa says that she met Bald Guy at the salon prior to the fashion show, and asks Melissa if she used to work for him. Melissa still doesn't remember, and Teresa then busts out with the accusation that Melissa danced for him at a gentleman's club. Melissa gives her a somewhat bemused look, and Teresa quickly says that she knows it's not true. It turns out, according to Melissa, that she was not in fact a dancer but bartended for a week at a gentleman's club because her cousin ran the place. Joe Gorga knows that, and according to Melissa it's not a problem. In an interview, Melissa says that she did nothing wrong, and isn't ashamed of anything. And technically, the place is not a strip club, but a bikini bar. She'd just give old guys their drinks and they'd give her $100 bills in return. Um, are there openings? It sounds a hell of a lot easier than recapping. And we've seen Melissa and Teresa both enough in their bikinis for free, so I'd say this is not a very scandalous scandal.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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