Real Housewives of New Jersey

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A+ | Grade It Now!
Hug it Out, Bitches.

I don't know about you, but I haven't slept since last week's cliffhanger that left SO many unanswered questions, namely: Will Caroline punch Danielle in the babymaker? Will Teresa's head actually pop off? Will Danielle admit she's switched teams? If the zombies invaded the set, would they find anything to eat? Does Bravo Andy get hazard pay? With these Very Important Questions keeping me awake at night, I am oh so happy to be here perched on my couch, Diet Coke firmly planted in my arm, ready to rumble. Let's get it on, bitches! Just don't hit me.

Bravo Andy welcomes us back to the Borgata hotel in New Jersey, which is probably really regretting this particular product placement. We pick up exactly where we left off: Caroline is sitting nine feet away from Danielle, despite being on the same couch, because she is in a HUFF because of Danielle's behavior at her beloved family business, The Brownstone. While Danielle's hissyfit at The Brownstone took place months ago, Caroline is still smarting from the insult, even though she wasn't actually there and, really, all Albert had to do was re-arrange some tables. And, of course, Chris was called a nasty name behind his back by a felon. Still, this pains Caroline on a deep and personal level, because clearly Albie has never been called a name before and the trauma will be too much for his little tiny head to handle. This taunting will most certainly derail him from his dream of owning a stripper car wash.

Anyway, Danielle caused a ruckus at The Brownstone and then her friend with the beautifully feathered hair (I really hope his stylist becomes a judge on Shear Genius) called Albie a rotten name and Danielle, a repeatedly self-professed gay advocate who punched Joe in the throat for referring to someone or something as "gay" last season, let it slide. So now Caroline, Jacqueline, Teresa and even Bravo Andy (et tu?) are all screaming at her for ignoring it. Danielle, being Danielle and having a season pass on the Denial Express, now claims that she schooled Danny later, you know, in private. Then she claims she is no longer talking to him because of this incident. Oh Danielle, I sort of understood ignoring your asshole friend while you are in some deluded sense in fear for your life or at least, hair weave, but pretending you called him out later in hopes of regaining your Gay Advocate crown and sash is silly. Teresa is trying to view this as some sort of retribution for Danielle yelling at Joe last season, but Bravo Andy points out that he was pretty offended by that, too. Teresa settles down. Can someone call her hairdresser in and get him to stop giving her advice and FIX HER DAMN HAIR? It looks absolutely deflated.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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