Real Housewives of New Jersey
Play At Your Own Risk

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LuluBates: A+ | 5 USERS: A+
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The Unseeable

Chris and Albie head to the pork store JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT this show was in New Jersey and these people were walking stereotypes. The mens are buying provisions for their weekly poker game where in they eat meat, gamble, and make threats against Ashley's boyfriend for daring to exist. They hatch a scheme to initiate Derek into the group. Apparently the hazing process involves punching, hog-tying, and ham slapping. Okay, who is jealous of Derek?!

Danielle invites us all over to her dog collecting friend Sue's house. Every crazy rich suburb has to have at least one dog collector. Sue has an enormous Great Dane and a tiny Papillion and Danielle somehow manages to draw comparisons between them and her dating life. This stupefying analogy (of which I am sure Borges would be proud) does not stun the ladies, but the fact that Danielle wants to date but is WEARING SLEEVES drives them to hysterics. How you ever going to catch a man with your arms covered? SLEEVES? SLEEVES!?? What is she, a puritan? Might as well just wear a barrel with two straps and hit the nightclub circuit.

Danielle dutifully removes her cardigan before lamenting that she hasn't dated since Teresa and Joe fake set her up with a fake friend who was a real famewhore. Cut to Teresa reminding us that her friend would show up at Danielle's house for his weekly blowjob. Gosh, thanks for the reminder! Danielle explains that this winner also filmed their encounters and had hidden cameras in the boudoir. Then he tried to sell the sex tape, but Danielle's lawyer put the kibosh on it. The existence of a sex tape does not seem particularly troubling to Danielle. In fact it pales in comparison to the point that Teresa was the one who set her up with the perpetrator. I mean, doesn't Teresa think she deserves better than that? Sorry to be the one to break this to you Danielle, but, no, no she does not. After that fiasco, Danielle started wearing sleeves and sackcloth and hasn't dated since. Danielle's friend who is *shudder* wearing a coat, which I guess means she is a lesbian, suggests that Danielle show more skin if she wants to catch a man.

Speaking of the sex tape, the guy who made it and then tried to sell it has been invited to Chris and Jacqueline's house for the poker game. Jacqueline thinks Skeevy Steve is, well... skeevy and she wants to have a talk with Chris about his choice in friends. Because... yeah, Chris: CHOICES. Teresa strangely has very little to say about this except to say that Skeevy Steve is 26 (but looks like he's 50) and that is just what guys do! Oh for the love of...Teresa! Is that what you are teaching your daughters? That guys just have some biological imperative to record sex with D-list celebrities and try and sell it to the highest bidder? Gia is going to be a big hit in college. Ugh. Jacqueline decides she needs to talk to STEVE about this Right Now because this show has no other drama going on so they need to make something up. Jacqueline and Teresa pull Steve aside so Jacqueline can tell him he is gross. But Steve has his own (equally gross) version of the story: Danielle sent him videos of herself doing things that would make the Baby Jesus cry. All he wanted to do was make a little money off of it. Teresa and Jacqueline make poopy diaper face and send Steve back to the man cave. No one wanted to know any of that. Yeesh.

So what is Role Model Danielle doing? Lingerie shopping with an audience, of course. And pretending she is shy while flashing her ass on national television.

Derek is late to the poker game, which is unacceptable. Jacqueline, who is spying on the proceedings via a video baby monitor, apologizes to Derek in advance and then makes Ashley escort him in with a peace offering of sacrificial rice balls. Ashley quickly flees from the room and the men start in on torturing Derek. First by making him drink some nearly toxic fake wine BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY. Then the women invade the game and bring their female troubles into the man cave. Jacqueline ends up chucking Ashley out of the house for being rude and Derek is practically comatose from alcohol poisoning and can't go after her. The men all congratulate him on his cojones and welcome him to the club. By the way, why wasn't Chris invited to the poker game? Everybody hates Chris!

Just to make sure we all know that Danielle has gone to a dark place of feeling unsexy, she reminds us a few dozen times. The unsexy situation has gotten so dire that Jailbird Danny has decided to take matters into his own hands. He brings his "good friend" Danielle to a strip club to sex her up a bit. Danielle in turn brings along Kim G. in frightening short hot pants and over-the-knee black boots for some light athletics. Nothing gets a girl out of a dating slump like physical exercise! After some instructions from the resident strippers who assure us all that stripping is excellent cardio, Kim G. hops up on the pole and America gets to see her ass crack. Then Danielle gets all concerned that the nation might get a Kim G. hard on and decides to show us her butt crack too and then does a full on strip tease. Thankfully minus the stripping. She explains that she was once a dancer, but it was more burlesque than strip. Sure, Danielle, we all believe you. As Danielle grinds the pole, my eyes want to cry. You can't ever un-see Danielle doing a strip tease in short shorts for Jailbird Danny and his friends. EVER!! I need to go drink heavily and cry and think about my life choices.

Dina is wandering around her house talking to her little animal friends. Grandma Wrinkles is hiding from Dina because Dina is once again talking about Danielle. Dina explains that her life is all unicorns and rainbows and happy woodland animals except for one thing: Danielle. Dina has realized that if she wants to be on this show, she will be contractually obligated to interact with Danielle. Which is a lot to ask of someone. I mean, would you hang out with Danielle for $3,000 a month in tanning and silicone money? Well, maybe. But since Dina can't simultaneously ignore Danielle and live up to her contractual obligations, she has no choice but to quit the show. Her cats fully support her decision. So Dina floats off on wings of a dove to tiptoe through the tulips and roll around in kittens. I has jealousy.

Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is giving her mind a Silkwood shower and you can't stop her. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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