Real Housewives of New Jersey
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The Unseeable

Obviously Danielle can't handle all these Feelings and calls her back-up friends who she has stationed in the parking lot to key Dina's Maserati if things get out of control. Jailbird Danny and his near mullet come give Danielle a big hug and his mute friend John walks around just clashing with the wine bar's d├ęcor. Danielle seems most offended that Dina only wanted to talk about Dina and wouldn't let her talk about Danielle. It is a narcissist's worst nightmare. Danny gives her a consoling pat on the knee. A vocal minority of me wants to know more about Danielle's and Danny's relationship, but luckily my mind is majority rule.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Teresa are taking their burgeoning broods to a farm to learn some values about pig balls. As this is suburban as opposed to rural New Jersey, the farm is actually in a parking lot, but the pigs still have really big balls that the Manzos stare at for an inordinately long time. Caroline has come along for the ride along with Albie and Chris who are there to learn about where their ham comes from. Chris debates chucking a hog at his mom, but Albie shakes his head no. Despite last week's promise that the Manzos would never again mention Danielle, they spend the whole time on their family outing making porcine references to Danielle. Those are some excellent values you are instilling in your kids!

Jacqueline stops by Caroline's for pie and gossip. Dina is on her way over and they expect the full dirty truth about Dina's meeting with Danielle. Dina explains to her supportive family that she just wanted to talk calmly to Danielle about HER and Danielle wouldn't stand for it. Okay. I realize that the Danielle vs. Manzo drama is the ONLY thing this show has going for it now that Teresa's spending has gone from gloriously revolting to sad, but really? Do these women have nothing better to talk about than Danielle? It merely justifies all her paranoia! I realize these fatuous frivolous housewives probably have nothing better to do, but THEY MUST HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO. Caroline wants to gloat that she told her so, but she won't do that to her baby sister. Dina then claims that Danielle blew her chance to be yelled at with dignity. Gosh, what a missed opportunity.

The real opportunity is when Danielle gathers a crowd of lucky ladies at a strip mall Italian joint for salad and Manzo bashing. Whee? Danielle wants to tell her friends the truth about her meeting with Dina. Danielle then does a play-by-play pantomime of her meeting and...well, it was pretty spot on with the eyebrows and dramatic hand gestures and Punch and Judy worthy acting. The ladies all cackle at the appropriate times and Danielle eats up their non-caloric attention. Then she makes the big reveal that after Dina was DONE with Danielle, she then sent her a 2,000 word email explaining in further detail about why she was done with her. Aw, they can be pen pals! We are then treated to a Dina and Danielle read-along of Dina's closure email, in which Dina does not once explain why she felt the need to TELL Danielle IN PERSON why she didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I mean, damn woman, just delete her from your phone book and be done with it. Danielle's audience thinks Danielle's pithy response of, "LOL. Whatever." is absolutely hysterical. They cackle, they giggle, they snort. If I am 50 and acting 12, please send me to my room without supper and take away my cell phone for a month.

Kim G., Danielle's supposed BFF, is consorting with the enemy. She shows up at Jacqueline's house to pretend that she's not BFF with Danielle. Jacqueline is willing to give Kim G. a chance, but all she really wants to do is talk about Danielle. Jacqueline explains that Danielle was actually calling and texting Dina all the time, which explains a LOT about why Dina might sit down to tell Danielle to get out of her life. Which makes me think Dina is not nearly as crazy and entitled as I thought before. Kim G. thinks this is interesting and she and Jacqueline spend their valuable free time analyzing Old Square Tit's behavior. Whilst discussing the Great Ashley vs. Danielle Battle of '09, Kim G. flat out lies to Jacqueline and pretends that she told Danielle to drop it with Ashley. Luckily the truth-telling editors cut to the tape of Kim G. telling Danielle to go to the police. Kim G.! Do not lie while the cameras are rolling! They will call you out! You know, seven months later when the episode airs. Jacqueline reminds us that Danielle accused Ashley of having flabby upper arms and we all know that in suburban New Jersey THAT is as good as a death threat. Worse probably, because you wouldn't be dead and could still hear the derisive laughter.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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