Real Housewives of New Jersey
Into the Lion's Den

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Into the Lion's Den

Teresa and bouncing bundle of baby Burberry are finally getting discharged from the hospital. Obviously the baby is swaddled to the point of mummification in pink. Even though he would have preferred a little testosterone-producing boy, Joe gets all gooey eyed when cradling his baby and immediately demands that they have at least eight more kids. Make it an even dozen of Baby Phat and Ed Hardy customers. Teresa is pretty sure she is done having kids. Her four girls are more than enough to rule the pageant circuit for years to come. She wants Joe to get the big V. That's right, a vasectomy. Joe, well, Joe doesn't exactly react, but he does mutter, no. Then he tries to mate with her some more. Even though she is wearing an oversized pink fleece headband. Men! The Giudices pull up to their Jersey chateau and little girls dressed in head to toe pink start spilling out of the house to greet their new baby sister and start chanting "One of Us! One of Us!" while I recoil in horror. Obviously Teresa wants the girls to admire the baby's outfit, which is a newborn-sized tutu and princess socks. Dina pipes in to ask, "Who wouldn't want to be Teresa's daughter?" And 95% of the world's population raises their hand, tilting the world slightly on its axis, causing us to lose another two minutes of daylight. Thanks a lot, Teresa.

Danielle is meeting one of her putative friends Kim G. (not to be confused with Kim Gordon or Kim Deal or Rudyard Kipling's "Kim") at a local wine bar. Danielle is wrapped in half a baby otter that she either trapped, slaughtered, and tanned at home or swiped from the IMG Model Management closet. Danielle reminds us that she loves little babies and especially little cancer babies and would do ANYTHING for them. Well, anything except simply donate a check to the charity and not cause a ruckus by showing up at the Manzos place of business. Anything else, though. Danielle has asked Kim G. to escort her to the Brownstone and Kim G. apparently has severe mental side effects from all the Botox she injected in her face, because she agrees to this plan. Oh Kim G., Caroline Manzo is totally going to ham fight your ass for this.

Over at Caroline's house, the whole family is awaiting the arrival of John G., who, yes, is the fruit of Kim G.'s loins. John G. is practically part of the Manzo family, but this does not mean that Kim G. and Mama Manzo are anything other than polite acquaintances. At least that's how Caroline puts it at first, but after Chris chucks some ham at her head, she admits that Kim G. invited her to lunch and she said no, which does not sound particularly polite. Caroline swears she did it because she didn't want to impede on the friendship between the boys, but it's really because she is friends with Danielle. Good fucking god, grow up, woman. At the dining room table, Caroline blathers on some more about how she just loves the boys, but in the confessional it's all Danielle all the time. Can someone hit her with some more ham please? Or fuck it, a whole salami.

Fairy godmother Dina stops by Teresa's granite palace to see the baby. Teresa sits her down and announces that she really needs Dina to start drinking. Otherwise she won't be able to trust her with the baby. Yeah, I get that. Dina laughs that if this Danielle situation doesn't settle down, she might have to start hitting the hooch with the other ladies. Hold up. What Danielle situation? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. All you know is that Danielle is considering coming to a charity event at your catering hall and event space. Why is this so shocking? It's not shocking! IT'S BORING. Also, Dina? Last week you said you wanted to have a sit down with Danielle, so why all the dramaz now?

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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