Real Housewives of New Jersey
Everything Is Coming Up Rosie

Episode Report Card
Potes: B- | 8 USERS: A
A Cramp in the Dick

Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Al Manzo tried to impart to Christopher and Albie that the key to success in opening a restaurant was grilled cheese rounds. They remained unconvinced. Melissa has a book deal, God help us, and debated whether to include the nitty gritty dirt about her philandering father in her magnum opus. Jacqueline was constantly crying about her son Nicholas's autism, Rosie did every stereotypical Italian hand gesture you could think of, and the Gorga siblings continued to be a horror show. Many thanks to Angel for covering last week's episode!

We enter with Melissa, talking to her daughter Antonia about the book that she's writing and almost squeezing out a tear in the process. She tells us that watching what her mother went through has made her adamant that no such thing (e.g., philandering, desertion, general misery) will happen in her home. She doesn't want Antonia to see what she had to see growing up, e.g., wondering why daddy went to 7-11 on Friday and didn't come back until Tuesday, and with no milk to boot. Joe then rolls up to the driveway, and we hear him muttering, "Bitch...bitch..." because he is still apparently in the midst of a Teresa-gym-sighting 'roid rage moment.

Once inside, the two get Antonia out of the room before discussing the gym encounter. Joe is pissed that Teresa came up to him and said hi like nothing was the matter, despite the fact that that's what functional people do in public. Not that I'm actually saying that Teresa is a functional person. Joe recounts Teresa's complaint that Melissa "twittered" a nasty thing about her bankruptcy, and is actually surprised to find out that this is true. We see visual proof of the tweet, which was designed to give Teresa a taste of her own medicine after the incidents of Gia's birthday party. So now Joe is also pissed at Melissa for giving his parents yet another reason to hate her, and for stooping to Teresa's level, and for talking shit about his only sister. This from the guy who was muttering "bitch" all the way home. Can they please all just get swept up in a tornado? Or flattened by a series of giant falling anvils?

We then cut to a place called The Sports Factory, where the Giudice girls have gone to play soccer. Milania comes bursting out of the car in full athletic regalia, which is pretty much the cutest thing, and is also donning a side ponytail, which is of course a known favorite of Andy Cohen. As if he needs more reason to give Milania her own spin-off! And speaking of Andy Cohen, please tell me that you all watched Cher on Watch What Happens Live. It was a gift from the universe, for sure. I never wanted it to end! Thank you goddess, for giving me renewed hope in this world. No thanks for then making me watch this show, thus taking it away again. Can Cher's wig from The Voice save this show? Could Rosie rock it with her signature ascot, thus bringing peace to Franklin Lakes?

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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